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I ATE THREE EGGS EVERY SINGLE MORNING FOR A WEEK - HERE’S WHAT HAPPENED

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It’s the offseason around these parts, and one of the essential things we do every offseason is revisit our diet and exercise. Healthy living and careful planning in April helps us balance out those fall Saturdays, where we often wake up covered in Taki crumbs and high-ABV craft beer cans at 3am, having fallen asleep during an Oregon State late game.

One of my biggest problems in the morning is eating a quick, healthy breakfast that doesn’t leave me starving and raiding the candy jar by 10am. The solution might be a familiar one: inexpensive, easy-to-prepare, protein-packed eggs! I decided to commit to eating them every single morning for a week, forgoing my usual oatmeal, smoothie, or gas station burrito.

Here’s what happened!

MONDAY

Over the weekend, I picked up some farm-fresh eggs from the stand at the local market. Sure, they’re a little more expensive than the grocery store, but the bright yellow yolks have a richer, delicious flavor, and it’s nice to know they’re sustainably raised.

I started simple, and cooked them over-medium, with just a sprinkling of black pepper and minced chives, serving it over sprouted bread with half an avocado.

Outside, the dog barked skyward.

By the time lunchtime rolled around, my normal mid-morning hunger pangs hadn’t materialized, and my energy level was great. This week is off to a good start.

TUESDAY

I was running short on time today, so I took a quick shortcut - breaking the eggs directly into the pan, giving a quick scramble with a fork, and dumping them right into a coffee mug to eat on the go as I rushed out for my 8:00am planning meeting.

Locusts covered the branches of every tree.

The simple life-hack saved me from derailing my healthy week early - I could’ve ended up on the fast-food path quickly if I hadn’t committed myself to this challenge, and it really didn’t take any more time than the drive-through would have.

As I crossed the river, the water seemed choppier than usual.

WEDNESDAY

Hump Day! Why not spice up midweek, I figure, so I carefully laid poached eggs over a black bean salsa with a dollop of fat-free sour cream, for a quick south-of-the-border jaunt!

We heard the coasts were lost before the television signal cut for good. The fear in the announcers’ faces was human, but unbecoming of professionals, I thought. The skies had been a foreboding gray since daybreak, but the streaks of red that criss-crossed them now gave the impression of an oil painting. An oil painting of a bloodied hand dragged across a chalkboard. I took a picture. The local weatherman loves viewer-submitted photos of interesting clouds, I chuckled to myself.

The weatherman is dead.

Turmeric can add a lovely bright color to your eggs, and is a natural anti-inflammatory.

THURSDAY

I had hard-boiled some eggs the previous evening, so I chopped those up and mixed them with diced celery and low-fat greek yogurt for a healthy spin on egg salad. I was out of pepper, but egg salad just doesn’t taste right without. Perhaps the neighbors have some.

Their rear door was open, and croaked lazily on its hinges, swayed by the dusty wind that whipped through the bare trees. I found the neighbors in the kitchen. Who could blame them for having taken the easy way out? In time, perhaps I would come to envy their resolve.

A dash of Tabasco’s lighter green-chile sauce brightened the salad’s cool crunch.

FRIDAY

We would need our strength if we were to make it to the Gulf before winter. Luckily, eggs are packed with Omega-3s, selenium and B12. I cracked them with one hand, directly into my mouth, one by one. A trickle of egg white ran down my chin. I saw no reason to wipe it away.

They would be here soon, and appearances would not matter.

SATURDAY

We stayed off the highways. The visibility was too high, the roads too fast. You could be swept up at a moment’s notice - there would not even be time to react before they took you. The old freight rail tracks led south along a safer path. There would be no trains to dodge there.

The Waffle House sign was dark, the façade charred and the windows all shattered, but in the back, amidst the looted remains, I found a carton of egg whites overlooked by the scavengers. Poured into an old hubcap and cooked over the open flame of a cracked gas line, they would give enough strength to persist.

When traveling, don't assume your routine has to fall apart - healthier options can be found at most chain restaurants these days. Do your research before hitting the road!

The dull flash of lightning through the clouds was our only illumination along the way.

SUNDAY

There were no more eggs, nor would there ever be. Were there even days anymore? Would I known when one rotation of our damned planet gave way to the next, with the sun and stars and moon long a memory? I stood ankle-deep in the eerily-still waters, their surface slicked with oil.

My abs felt flatter, having started each day with 21 grams of high-quality protein, and my legs showed new definition from the hundreds of miles of walking.

It will be a long time before this offseason is over, I said aloud.

No one was there to respond.

I walked deeper, out into the water.

For more information on eggs, visit the American Egg Board’s informative website.