A new restaurant’s coming to Tuscaloosa, and it’s got a famous, heavily tattooed familiar face behind it - no, not Guy Fieri, that’s former Crimson Tide quarterback AJ McCarron rolling your sushi!
“This is a stupid premise for a post, even by your standards,” you say.
Hey, I’m not even to that part yet. This is just the real-life setup. See, look, here’s a picture. This isn’t one of my stupid Photoshops or anything.
“Oh, I see. Does the sarcastic dog get involved here?”
Well, no, I-
“I’m just going to scroll down and start commenting now.”
Look, what I’m saying is, AJ McCarron’s opening a sushi restaurant, and we want to help him form an appropriately themed menu. Let’s take a look!
THE JOEY FRESHWATER SASHIMI
Lake trout marinated in Five-Hour Energy and pounded thin over the course of two years. Leaves a bad taste in everyone’s mouth and exits abruptly.
What do you mean you ordered the eel? No, I don’t recall promising you that. Look, we’ve got a lot of great customers here tonight. Maybe if you work harder you’ll get the eel.
Besides, you can’t have eel with your medical condition.
THE SPECIAL ASSISTANTS APPETIZER PLATTER
It’s just an assortment of menu items from other restaurants that have closed. You don’t have to do anything with it. We’re just going to leave it on the table. Builds ambiance.
THE PROCESS ROLL
Coach Saban’s personal favorite! Made from a high-energy plankton, bountiful in protein, this palatable product is sure to solve hunger issues.
It’s not made of people.
Why would you ask that?
[quietly] it’s made of people
THE THIRD SATURDAY IN OCTOBER SEAFOOD PLATTER
It’s one of those tuna jelly mousses that people used to serve at parties in the ‘50s.
You know, something you can’t believe was once actually a thing when viewed in today’s light.
TIGER ROLL (LSU)
Crawfish, okra and no, that’s not gunpowder. It’s, uh, pepper. Black pepper.
Y’all ask too many questions, you know.
THE SEC EAST ROTATING OPPONENT ROLL
it's just white rice but you have to eat one every year, the league makes us do this, we don’t know why
THE ARKANSAS ROLL
Our BIGGEST, BEEFIEST offering! So much heft we bet you can’t take the whole thing down in - oh, you already finished it easily? Huh.
TIGER ROLL (AUBURN)
Our spiciest roll, with enough bold flavors to excite everyone! Don’t ask for an extra second helping - you might not be able to handle the kick!
THE SEC CHAMPIONSHIP GAME ROLL
more white rice are you fucking kidding me
HEY HEY DID YOU LIKE THAT SUSHI ROLL YOU ENJOYED MOST OF IT I SEE YOU’RE ABOUT THREE-QUARTERS OF THE WAY DONE WITH IT AND YOU’RE FEELING PRETTY GOOD, WELL,
THE SUGAR BOWL [dessert] I don't care how much everyone else likes it this is a disappointment