ALABAMA SPRING PRACTICE UPDATE: POSITIONS OPEN FOR GRABS

Offensive line: Two positions open thanks to graduation, including the crucial left tackle spot occupied last year by Cam Robinson.

Receiver: Like y’all care beyond “Calvin Ridley is back” but yeah Bama needs to fill out their two and three spots on the depth chart at wideout. Oh, how will they do that at Alabama, where Nick Saban has such trouble accumulating talent, it’s a mystery but wow let’s see if they can do it.

Linebacker: This is a misprint, y’all will be fine, shut up even if you’re putting THREE linebackers into the NFL Draft this year

Governor: HOOOOOOOBOY AT LAST A REAL POSITION BATTLE THAT DID NOT GO THE WAY THE TIDE THOUGHT IT WOULD.

To bring you up to speed, if you are somehow not familiar with the saga of America’s Horniest Governor™: Alabama, a state that has now had three of its last six governors convicted of crimes committed while in office, is no longer ruled by the third in that chain, the honorable Dr. Robert Bentley. The interim governor is Kay Ivey, who was the state treasurer before she became Lt. Governor, and is sadly not an iron-willed hellion who insists on being called “Meemaw” while negotiating legislation. She went to Auburn, so she will probably ruin something for no reason.

Note: We need more mean-ass iron-fisted ladies nicknamed “Meemaw” as Southern governors, if only because a legislature full of obstreperous, buffet-wrecking white Southern protestants would listen fearfully and instantly to a frowning, disapproving lady nicknamed “Meemaw.”

Additional note: Alabama has already had a governor named “Lurleen.”

What the position will be missing that only Robert Bentley could bring to the job:

Range: Bentley was an accomplished dermatologist and at one time a gifted politician, but that didn’t stop him from being so technologically illiterate he texted his mistress love notes from a phone synced with an iPad. The iPad his wife used, and read all those texts on, messages later submitted as part of an inquiry into Bentley’s abuses of power as governor. He brought a lot to the table in terms of widely variant competencies, is what we’re saying. That will be hard to replace.

Creativity: The Notorious AHG sent state troopers to break up with his mistress—twice. Both attempts were unsuccessful, but the attempt and innovative use of state employees should be noted for its novelty and creativity.

Escapability in the open field:

“One Saturday morning I was called from security, and I don’t remember which one telling me, that we’ve lost the governor,” Adams said in sworn testimony before the Alabama Ethics Commission included in the report. “I said, what do you mean we’ve lost the governor. They said well, he just took off in his truck.”

Ah, “Y’ALL HE DONE JUST TOOK OFF IN HIS TRUCK”, the classic conclusion to so many Southern arguments. Bentley’s speed is real, even at his advanced age. He sometimes left the scene so quickly that at times his security dispatch had to send out a state helicopter to find him. Name the last football player you know who required a helicopter to assist in tackling him. (Don’t say O.J. That was a low-speed chase, and the helicopters were strictly for TV.)

Blocking: Bentley forced state law enforcement into covering up his affair, and threatened those who tried to disclose his abuses of power.

There’s a lot to replace here, and that will be hard to do. It will be almost as hard as accepting that on top of all three heads of the three branches of Alabama’s State Government being in legal trouble at once, the loss of America’s Horniest Governor handed the governor’s office from an Alabama graduate to an Auburn alum. The Iron Bowl is 365 days a year and you should never, ever forget that.