NICK SABAN RENTS A HELICOPTER TO YELL AT YOU, SON

[Nick Saban screws cap on a water bottle and takes a deep breath]

I told you, son. I told you a thousand times.

If you’re going to clean the deck and use the grill, you have to clean it every time you use it.

You have to clean it. That’s not much to ask. We ask a lot of you because we have expectations. That’s how this family works. If you drop something, you pick it up. If you have to clean up some trash, well, you put the trash in the garbage can. Every time, son. Every time.

That’s all we ask. That’s—

[podium appears out of nowhere]

all

[thumps podium]

we

[thumps podium again with slightly more anger]

ask

[stares at you without blinking for the longest six seconds of your life without changing expression]

This is a process. It’s all a process. You have to know the playbook and you have to know how to finish the play and what you showed me? What you showed me is that you didn’t read the playbook.

[hand gestures increasing slowly but steadily]

It’ll show out there on the field. It always does, like when you clean the Big Green Egg with water and soap, and even leave the dirty bucket in the garage with half the water still in it.

You can’t hide that. You—

[more rhythmic podium thumping]

--things like not knowing that ceramics are porous. It’ll crack the next time you heat it good and hot and then we need to get a new Big Green Egg.

Then the team doesn’t have a Big Green Egg and you know what they’ll be saying. They’ll be saying oh, Nick, you going to use a new kind of grill? Something you’re more comfortable with? Who said I’m not comfortable with this? Who said I was? They’ll just make shit up and throw it against the wall to see what sticks. And when you don’t clean the Big Green Egg, son, you just hand all this—

[waves hand around dismissively in all directions in a manner that silently but clearly indicates the inclusion of all FOOLS, TOMFOOLS, SHITHORNS, HURRY-UP SPREAD OFFENSE COORDINATORS, PEOPLE WHO DO NOT BELIEVE MICK JAGGER IS A GREAT ENTERTAINER, MOBILE QUARTERBACKS, JOURNALISTS WHO MAKE SHIT UP, ALL JOURNALISTS BUT COACH SABAN REPEATS HIMSELF, AND ESPECIALLY FICTIONAL SONS WHO MAKE THEM SO ANGRY THEY MAKE COACH SABAN CHARTER A HELICOPTER JUST TO YELL AT HIM ABOUT THE PROCESS OF CLEANING A GRILL IMPROPERLY]

—new stuff for them to throw at the wall.

And the last thing we need around here are distractions. That’s why I chartered a helicopter to come and make it clear: The next time, you just let that burn off. We tell our team all the time: Fire forges iron. It can sure as hell clean your $900 grill, the one I bought for the team because we want nothing but the finest facilities.

EVEN IF I CAME UP COOKING DEER SAUSAGE ON A HIBACHI, SON. EVEN IF I WENT THROUGH ALL THAT TO GET THIS TEAM THE BEST OF EVERYTHING AND TO GIVE YOU A $900 GRILL BECAUSE I GREW UP IN AN EPISODE OF BLACK MIRROR: BLUE COLLAR COMEDY EDITION.

[grips podium, slaps fingers on wood while blinking wordlessly for the other six longest seconds of your life]

There won’t be a next time, though. You know why? The next time I’m sending Miss Terry. And if you think there’s a next time after that, ask the last man to use her non-stick pan to make an omelet drunk off his ass in our kitchen at 4 a.m. He tried to clean it with a copper pad, and scratched it up and ruined it.

That’s how you end up coaching FAU for less money than you made as an assistant. Know this: I didn’t even make a call, son. Not one. Didn’t have time to lift a finger. That just happened.

[podium disappears]

Not one call by me, son. Not one.

[Nick Saban turns and walks towards the helicopter. As he walks, he begins making a list of all the ways the charter helicopter has disappointed him.]