clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

VERDICT: IS JIM MCELWAIN’S GOATEE BAD?

New, 202 comments

AN EXTREMELY SCIENTIFIC SURVEY OF THE EVIDENCE SAYS: NOT NECESSARILY

OH GREAT DAD’S GOT A GOATEE AGAIN
IT’S A RALLY CAP FOR YOU MOUTH OKAY SURE

It’s appropriate because you grow a goatee by starting with a beard and then you remove a quarter of it on either side back to the ear, you see. Jim McElwain grew it as “a rally cap for the hoops team,” but we know a dad goat when we see one. That’s a dad goat straight from spring break, and it’s cut from a beard that the coach thought looked just a little too vagrant-y for spring practice, much less standard in-season duties as a college football coach.

We want to instantly assumed the Florida football team is now cursed. (Or at least even more cursed than the usual resting level of cursed, that is.) The goatee is the facial hair signaling decline, or at least the resignation that you want to grow a beard, but also want everyone to remember that you can cut your hair from your face in deference to civilization. The evidence that the goatee is a bad omen is everywhere: Steven Seagal in his late “palling around with Central Asian dictators” phase, Sebastian Gorka, Walter White when he wanted to look EEEEVIL, youth pastors everywhere, Leonardo Dicaprio, Brian Van Gorder after he dumped your mother, us in 1998.

It’s a long list, and a troubling one. Even Mark Richt’s last legendary “Evil Richt” goatee only ended up heralding Georgia’s most painful loss in recent memory: The 2012 SEC Championship Game, when Chris Conley caught an Aaron Murray pass in bounds, and ended Richt’s last best chance to get a conference title and a shot at a national title beyond that. Did we mention that on purpose because it’s deeply painful to UGA fans? Yes, yes we did.

However, it’s important to science and for our mental health to note that against all of our best instincts, there is evidence that some people not only carry a goatee well, but even thrive with one. The data is real, and it is powerful.

The list of people with goatees who succeed in spite of or perhaps goatees:

Stone Cold Steve Austin. The standard bearer that a zillion inferior goatees imitated.

WWE Presents Wrestlemania 23
IN HAPPIER TIMES
Photo by Bill Pugliano/Getty Images

The Rock. He has one in the Fast 6 preview and pushes a torpedo off course with his bare hands, so he’s obviously fine with one.

Al Roker. Has dispensed with every fool to cross his path since he grew a goatee in 2013. Where you at, Billy Bush? Can’t hear you under all that dirt. Everything DMX said he was walking in the door, Al Roker is.

Guy Fieri. Deny his power and lie. Claim you want to see him without a goatee and die.

Ben Kingsley. It might just be a Sexy Beast thing but the man can absolutely dominate a room with a a mouth cozy.

Wesley Snipes. He typically goes with the mustache alone, but White Man Can’t Jump-era Wesley Snipes with just a whiff of goatee and a Colnago cycling hat on? PERFECTION.

John Travolta. This entry is not a serious one it is only to point out that post-2000 John Travolta just looks like a John Travolta meme no matter what he does or what role he plays.

HE HAD AN EARRING HERE TOO, FROM PARIS WITH LOVE IS A GREAT FILM, JUST GREAT

Jeff Bridges. Every facial hair style makes him look cooler and those are the rules, but they still count. A goateed Jeff Bridges is two cards shy of busting you in a game of faro on a riverboat and you don’t even mind.

YOU’LL BE NEEDIN’ TO HIT AN ATM WHEN WE DOCK IN BATON ROUGE, SAILOR

VERDICT ON JIM MCELWAIN’S GOATEE: For the moment we’ll say it’s out, but that we remain skeptical.

(pic via @4thandJort)