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OFFSEASON’S ON THE MOVE

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DISPATCHES FROM THE STACK OF BOXES

It may be a slow time of year around the college football universe, but things have gotten busy in the ActionCookbook household. Like many college football coaches - for instance, future Alabama Governor Tommy Tuberville - we’re prepping for a relocation, having just bought a new hous-

Holly, my beloved Corgi and trusted interlocutor: what the hell does this have to do with college football

actioncookbook: Well, Holly, I think the connection is natural, as I was saying, a number of coaches have changed jobs this offseason. Take, for instance, Temple coach Matt Rh-

Holly: oh my god this concept is so thin

actioncookbook: [whispering loudly] c’mon dude it’s the offseason I have nothing

Holly: what’s that now

actioncookbook: [still whispering] there is nothing going on in college football right now and I’m struggling badly for content

Holly: can’t hear you, what did you say

actioncookbook: [very loudly] I HAVE NOTHING, OKAY, ARE YOU HAPPY? MY LIST OF IDEAS LOOKS LIKE CINCINNATI’S WON-LOSS RECORD LAST YEAR. EVEN THE HIGHLIGHTS ARE NOTHING TO BE PROUD OF. IT’S FREAKING MARCH, MAN, I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME.

Toddler: [cries from bedroom]

actioncookbook: Great, now he’s awake. I hope you’re happy.

Holly: this ain’t my fault, you broke-ass Ben Wyatt

actioncookbook: not this again

Holly: lookin’ like a guy on House Hunters who says he needs a spare room for his board games

actioncookbook: I saw that episode and we don’t look that much alike

Holly: lookin’ like a junior senator from Nebraska

actioncookbook: is that bad

Holly: do you think it’d be complimentary?

actioncookbook: probably not, n-

Holly: lookin’ like the actor they hired to play Niles in a Lifetime Movie about the making of Frasier

actioncookbook: David Hyde Pierce is an accomplished actor, and-

Holly: don’t drag him into this that ain’t what I said

actioncookbook: I have to feed our son lunch now, are you done?

Holly: I can do two things at once, you know. You should try it. Start small, though, like... chewing gum and not looking like “the Forcier brother who did theater in high school instead of football”.

actioncookbook: ...

Holly: Cooper Forcier understudying in Our Town lookin’-ass face.

actioncookbook: you know, maybe I’ll just leave you behind in the move.

Holly: your brand couldn’t afford that and you damn well know it.

actioncookbook: Nonsense, people like my football analysis, too, like-

Holly: who had the most rushing yards in FBS last season

actioncookbook: [knocks some cheese off the table] HEY LOOK

Holly: yeah that’s what I thought

actioncookbook: [removing glasses, rubbing bridge of nose] Do you want to talk about football at all? Maintain some pretense here?

Holly: Nah, man, you keep doing your thing. Get paid for the promise of results, if not the actual results. Works at Ole Miss. Anyways, I’m gonna take a nap, wake me up when there’s some actual news to discuss.

actioncookbook: I don’t deserve this kind of treatment.

Toddler: [knocks plate of macaroni and cheese into my lap]

actioncookbook: this isn’t funny

Toddler: [clapping, laughing, suddenly also has a knife]

actioncookbook: I’ve still got a lot of preparation to do for our move, half the house is in boxes, and I haven’t had a relevant idea for a college football-related post in weeks. I mean, what is actually going on in March? NFL draft preparation is a craven pageant of dog-whistling and shit-talk from anonymous weasels. Spring football’s still weeks away. The coaching carousel has taken its turn. It’s a tough time of year, and no one is helpin-

[car horn blares from driveway]

actioncookbook: what the heck

Holly: I just looked up there’s a specialty dog treats store near the new place c’mon I’ve already loaded the truck time’s-a-wastin’, pal

actioncookbook: I bet this is what it was like for Saban working with Kiffin.

Holly: [leaning on horn] TREAAAAAAATS, MOTHER[horn]ER

actioncookbook: Air Bud never pulled this crap.