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HOW THE ACC MASCOTS SPENT THEIR NEW YORK VACATION

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A TRAVELOGUE

Last week, the Atlantic Coast Conference descended on New York City for their annual basketball tournament - a groundbreaking northern foray, the first time the competition was ever staged north of Maryland - but one that reflects the re-ordered conference’s wider footprint.

In advance of the games at Brooklyn’s Barclays Center (home of the NHL’s New York Islanders and the semi-pro Brooklyn Nets), the conference’s 15 mascots took to the streets and sights of the big city. After the photo op, each broke off in their own direction - and we’ve got a rundown of what they did!

CIMARRON (FLORIDA STATE)

Made inappropriate advances on a police horse; fled into Central Park. Whereabouts unknown.

MR. WUF (NORTH CAROLINA STATE)

Heard there were naked ladies in Times Square you could get your picture with. Couldn’t find any, but started getting tips from tourists himself. Made $300, spent it all on ninja stars on Canal Street, and a “Coach” purse for Mrs. Wuf. Had a great time.

THE LEPRECHAUN (NOTRE DAME)

Stayed home, lives here. Has never been to Indiana.

CAVMAN (VIRGINIA)

Rented a $3600/month studio in Murray Hill, “close to all the great bars”, in advance of starting as junior attorney at Paul/Weiss this spring.

BLUE DEVIL (DUKE)

Bought counterfeit tickets to Hamilton on street; after being denied entry to show, angrily noted “my dad could ruin you” to entirely unrelated man on street he mistook for the seller.

HOKIEBIRD (VIRGINIA TECH)

Attempted to eat at Guy Fieri’s American Kitchen. Was mistaken for food-grade poultry and stuffed with bacon, wasabi and sparklers. Served to tourists from Ohio. Yelp reviews indicate he was “nom”.

DEMON DEACON (WAKE FOREST)

Engaged in a high-stakes game of “Simon Says”, orchestrated by a vengeful yet suave international terrorist, with clever tricks and traps set across the five boroughs and surrounding area. Wait, is that the plot of Die Hard: With A Vengeance? Well, maybe it is. But that’s still what he did.

BUZZ (GEORGIA TECH)

Bought a bag of oregano off a guy in Union Square. Swears it “must’ve been really strong stuff”, currently crying on the floor of Whole Foods’ café.

WHAT THE HELL’S THAT BEAR THING IN THE BACK (THINKS A MINUTE) OH RIGHT, PITT

Has been at “the How I Met Your Mother bar” for three days, hoping to catch a glimpse of Ted and Barney. He is not at the correct bar; said bar does not exist. Convinced he saw Marshall.

BALDWIN THE EAGLE (BOSTON COLLEGE)

Decided to ride the subway. Has been talking loudly for hours about how much better Boston’s transit system is, and how it doesn’t take nearly as long to get where you’re going. Is actually sitting in car at the Transit Museum.

OTTO THE ORANGE (SYRACUSE)

Insisted everyone join him for some “real barbecue” at Dinosaur BBQ. Was thrown in Hudson River; last seen floating past the Battery.

RAMESES (NORTH CAROLINA)

Had a nice time. Took one of those open-air bus tours. It was a little chilly, but he got this nice hoodie at the Late Show gift shop.

SEBASTIAN THE IBIS (MIAMI)

Stayed home; nursing injuries after fistfight over parking space with his next-door neighbor, the Leprechaun.

LOUIE THE CARDINAL (LOUISVILLE)

Immediately located the local Kentucky Wildcats bar, started argument over whose athletic program was dirtier.

“THE TIGER” (CLEMSON)

TOOK SOME THING I GOT FROM A GUY I KNOW WELL I DON’T KNOW HIM BUT HE’S A FRIEND NOW I MEAN WHAT’S A STRANGER BUT A FRIEND YOU HAVEN’T MET YET ANYWAYS THERE WAS THIS PARTY AT A WAREHOUSE IN BROOKLYN SOMEWHERE AND I DON’T REMEMBER EVERYTHING BUT THE MUSIC AND THE LIGHTS AND LONG STORY SHORT DO YOU KNOW ANYONE AT THE CONSULATE I’M IN DUBAI