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ZELDA EXPLAINS COLLEGE FOOTBALL

*HEY* *LISTEN*

By Spencer Hall

Directly inspired by this Twitter discussion that started here and here. We will try our best not to duplicate.

When you think about Florida football in 2017

WE USED TO HAVE QUARTERBACKS AND RUNNING WATER

When you wonder how Stanford pushes people around despite being a small school with high academic standards when your giant public university can’t dominate more than one game out of every four at the line of scrimmage

Also how do you quarterback at all, asking for a friend
HOW DO YOU GET SUCH ANGRY NERDS AND HOW DO THEY BLOCK POWER SO WELL

When you ask a Michigan Man anything

Also the answer to “how does Michigan not cheat at all while Ohio State does for the same recruits”
SIT DOWN, GRAB A DRINK, YOU ASKED A QUESTION ABOUT THE BATTLE OF KURSK AND YOU’RE GOING TO GET A THOROUGH ANSWER

When your conference needs to expand but you’re out of options and you’re looking up the number of cable subscribers in Hartford

TENS OF THOUSANDS OF DISGRUNTLED PEOPLE WHO’D RATHER BE WATCHING BASKETBALL
RANDY EDSALL ALSO FOUND THIS TO BE TRUE THE HARD WAY

When the “guy who’s never missed on a recruiting scandal” on your message board says he’s got word that the NCAA really has something on your rival’s school and their dastardly coaches

Did you hear Bama gives players cars from a rental fleet in Texas?
I HEARD IT FROM A GUY WHO KNOWS A GUY AT THE BANK AND THEY GOT ALL THEY NEED TO GIVE EM THE DEATH PENALTY

When you ask Les Miles to explain Easter

When they play “Boomer Sooner” for the 500th time

Or “Fight On,” you get the idea
OR ROCKY TOP, THAT WORKS TOO

When a four star QB is thinking about going to Alabama because “Coach Saban gets you in the NFL”

COULD BE LSU TOO
NO REALLY, COACH SABAN SAYS THERE’S A LOT MORE TO LIFE THAN FOOTBALL LIKE PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT AND ACADEMICS

When you try to defend your prediction that Texas will win ten games and they ask you how they’re gonna do it

IT’S NOT HAPPENING
...OR FIND IT UNDER THE CONGRESS STREET BRIDGE IN AUSTIN, EITHER ONE WILL DO

When you’re the SEC East

MARK STOOPS MIGHT BE SECOND
WILL MUSCHAMP IS GOING TO BE THE BEST COACH IN THE DIVISION AND THAT’S NOT EVEN AN EXAGGERATION

When you sleep on Temple and they beat the hell out of you

The “putting your own name in” option is the best
IT HAPPENS, ASK PENN STATE

When the NCAA is too busy looking at Ole Miss to notice you’re still recruiting harder than ever

ALSO DO YOU NOT THINK IT’S WEIRD THAT THIS DUDE BASICALLY RAN A SOUVENIR SHOP AND RIPPED LINK OFF ON THE DAILY
THE OLD MAN AT THE SWORD AND CRYSTAL SHOP WAS THE ORIGINAL BAGMAN

When you’re a Notre Dame fan

TOO SUNNY FOR SOUTH BEND THO
I MEAN IT’S EVEN GOT A CHURCH Y’ALL