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YOU TOO CAN DO THE BEARDED BEAR WORKOUT

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PLAY ALONG AT HOME IF YOU HAVE BAD IDEAS TOO

Kodiak Bears Birthday Milestone
TRAINING MEAL SEEN HERE
Photo by Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images

So you may recall that a strength coach sent me a workout, and that I’m going to do it even though it might be a very bad idea. This plan is still a go, and next week is the first week.

Some of you, being sensible people, saw this and said “well, that’s clearly going to involve a lot of pain and effort. Let’s not do that, and be amused by the prospect of someone else doing it.” You sensible people, being sensible, did not say “Oh, let me see that, that seems like something I want to do myself.” Then, sensible people, you probably went back to work, spent conscious, undistracted time with loved ones, and enjoyed a brisk 30 minute walk later that day after a sensibly portioned meal.

Some of you are not sensible, and some of you asked to see the workout. So we asked Coach Napoli if we could share it. You don’t want a strength coach mad at you for sharing his IP, because he will find you if you do and make you do burpees until you die. We died once from doing burpees. Unlike reports of death by drowning, it is not a pleasant and warm experience once you get used to it.

He said we could share it with anyone who wanted it, so here you go.

YES SURE FOR AN ACTUAL BEAR
SLEEP IN A CAVE POOP IN THE WOODS DO THIS WORKOUT

A few things from my perspective and my experience only, which is anything but trained professional grade experience and is mostly what I’ve been told to NOT do by people who know what they’re doing. JUST SUGGESTIONS AND CLARIFICATIONS.

  • Big basics: Squat, Deadlift, Military Press, Bench done four times a week.
  • You’ll see that this is broken down a little strangely because of the sheet we’re screencapping here. This scheme, if you squint, runs Press/Deadlift/Bench/Squat. I imagine you could run that however you like, unless you’re a Virginia Tech fan. The Hokies squat on Fridays, so you’ll squat on Fridays.
  • This is probably best for an intermediate-ish lifter, and not a beginner, since it was designed for me, and that’s where I’m at. If that’s not you, and you don’t have at least some experience lifting weights: don’t do it.
  • The explicit instructions on weights for the reps: “start light, ridiculously light.” I would do exactly this, and up the weights verrrrrrrry slowly, both so you can continue to progress, and also so you won’t get sick and be unable to move and feel like you’re going to die by week four.
  • Point being: You could work this a number of different ways, but whatever you do, keep it lighter than you think a five-rep set should be. Because especially on something like the deadlift, that’s going to add the hell up fast.
  • The conditioning is there to keep you from being a big ol’ wheezing lump. It’s not there to get you into marathon shape. You’ll hear this a lot from strength and conditioning people: “you can’t serve two masters.” So from bitter personal experience, I would not suggest you try to run eight miles the same day you do heavy squats. If you’re a runner, you’ll probably be less of a runner, but more of a solid human after this.
  • If you can do all that at the same time and not die, GREAT. Please report to the Navy SEALS immediately.
  • There’s also arm work in there. That’s not Functional Strength-approved but who cares because why are you going to lift weights or get older if you’re not going to have a big ol’ set of beefy Trogdor the Burninator arms to do dad things with.
  • There might be a question of what to eat or how to eat while doing this? I can only speak from experience by saying that a.) you definitely should eat more protein than you think humanly possible while lifting heavy b.) that “more” should not be garbage, or you will bloat like a dead goat in the sun. You’ll have to eat to replace what you just tore up in order to keep doing it, and there’s no real way around that.
  • Also drink a shitload of water, that’s another “hey that’s dumb and basic but people don’t do it, including me all the time.” Please don’t carry around a gallon jug, though, unless you want the full meathead lifestyle vibe.
  • Sleep. Don’t be dumb, sleep. You can’t cheat not sleeping, at least not on a deadlift. For some reason the deadlift is the one lift I cannot cheat on a day after I don’t sleep much. Everything else still works, but a deadlift on a shitty night’s sleep feels like 500 pounds at 250.
  • There’s mobility/green band/stretching stuff in there, too. You should probably do that!
  • Other than that, this looks pretty big and simple enough. There’s six weeks here. When we get through that, we’ll post the next six weeks from Coach Nap when he sends it. We start Monday! Monday night we will be very sore, and regretting things already.
  • We’ll take one long bike ride for recovery on the weekends not to recover, but because we like one long bike ride for no reason besides “it’s pretty out and no one can bother you about stuff while you’re on a bike.” That’ll be an extremely slow but long ride, and nothing you’d have to recover seriously from at all if you do it right. Again: not prescribed, but also not taken without thinking about how sore we don’t want to be on Monday.
  • [extremely Taken kidnapper voice] good luck