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FOOTBALL, AS EXPLAINED BY PROGRAMS FROM 1957

THIS IS ASSUREDLY HOW THE GAME WAS PLAYED THEN

By Ryan Nanni

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HOW FOOTBALL IS PLAYED ACCORDING TO THIS INDIANA-IOWA PROGRAM FROM 1957:

A prisoner in a Midwestern jail is offered temporary release under the following conditions:

  1. He will be dressed as a businessman and given a three day head start.
  2. If he can reach the Pacific Ocean without being recaptured, he will receive a full pardon for his crimes.
  3. Pursuing the prisoner is a college football team made up of laborers who are at least 37 years old. Weapons may not be used, but the players may pummel the prisoner with punches, kicks, clotheslines, head butts, swinging elbows, bites, and submission holds.
  4. Helmets are optional.

HOW FOOTBALL IS PLAYED ACCORDING TO THIS ARMY-NAVY PROGRAM FROM 1957:

Giant Uncle Sam (who birthed democracy from his mighty ovipositor) is awoken from the Hidden Cavern of Patriotism by the scent of a giant bubbling cauldron of scrapple, ranch dressing, and light beer. Two cranes place the chosen sacrifices in his mighty hands. The right holds two college football players and a referee, struggling to decide where to go to lunch. In Sam’s left hand, a man stands ranting and screaming about his plan to reduce the alphabet to two letters.

The contents of one hand will be spared. The other will be wordlessly eaten, fueling Giant Uncle Sam’s hibernation until the next college football game.

HOW FOOTBALL IS PLAYED ACCORDING TO THIS MARYLAND-TENNESSEE PROGRAM FROM 1957:

Father was certain all Henry needed was a bit of responsibility. His surliness was a mere symptom of trying to grow up too fast; a dog offered an opportunity to prove his maturity in a limited capacity. Henry was a good boy. Father knew this to be true.

Mother remembered all the knives she’d found hidden in Henry’s things. Knives in his lunch box. Knives in the toy chest. Hardy Boys books with the middle pages carved out to hold knives. Many weren’t even from the family kitchen — where on earth was Henry finding so many of them? How could Mother ever be certain she’d found them all?

Henry stroked the dog’s fur, silently staring into the distance. Mother spread mustard onto a sandwich for Father. A cheer went up from the stadium crowd. To Mother, they sounded like screams.