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HERM EDWARDS TOURS THE FACILITIES

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THIS FEELS TOO EASY. THIS FEELS LIKE I’M BEING SET UP.

[the football facilities of Arizona State University in Tempe]

ATHLETIC DIRECTOR RAY ANDERSON: Alright, here we are.

HERM EDWARDS: Alright, brother. That’s great. Good news, good stuff. I’m here with you, my man. [claps hands once] Great to see that. Alright. Now, what’s your name, big fella?

ANDERSON: I... wait, seriously? I’m Ray Anderson.

EDWARDS: Whoo, alright, big papa! That’s some big news right there. Big news! Star Wars ain’t even in theaters until December 15th, my dude’s out here with the spoilers, Rey’s got a son, that’s some Ain’t It Cool News right there, captain, gotta give a man a spoiler alert, but we good. We good. Rey and her son. Alright. Jar Jar. There was a player.

ANDERSON: We’ve known each other for years, Herm. I was your longtime agent before taking the Athletic Director position here, a fact that surely won’t result in my firing within the next two to three years.

EDWARDS: Yessir. Alright. Good lookin’ out there, partner. My man.

ANDERSON: Let’s just tour the facilities, okay? I want to get back to updating my resume.

EDWARDS: Mmm-hmm. Alright. Big fella. Start spreadin’ the news.

ANDERSON: So, of course, the main part of the tour is our stadium - this is Sun Devil Stadium, here in Tempe, and-

EDWARDS: OHHH HO HO HO now we gotta watch it with that talk, Doctor Oz, we got devils runnin’ around the place here? That’s not what I’m about, mister man.

ANDERSON: We covered this in the press conference yesterday, Herm, the team’s mascot is the Sun Devils, and-

EDWARDS: And now this devil’s got a son? Who’s his momma? Is it my girl Rey? Are you spoilin’ Star Wars for me and tellin’ me that nice girl Rey’s been runnin’ around havin’ babies with Lucifer, the lord of the Underworld? She’s got so much goin’ for her, got that fancy lightsword and such, and she’s puttin’ her career on hold for Beelzebub, the Prince of Darkness? No, sir, my brother. That’s what’s happenin’ in society these days. Men stopped wearin’ nice hats and then this goes and happens, we got our sci-fi heroines givin’ birth to the devil’s babies, and no one’s got a good handshake anymore.

ANDERSON: what

EDWARDS: [leans in menacingly] GOT to have a handshake, my man. [leans in further] Firm handshake. [tips over, falls to floor] This terrazzo? Fine flooring material. Smooth and hard. That’s how you’ve gotta be in life. Smooth, but hard. Alright. Next question.

ANDERSON: This isn’t a press conference and why haven’t you made any effort to get up from the floor

BILLY NAPIER: Hey, Ray, you wanted to see me?

ANDERSON: Oh, Billy, great, I'm glad you’re here. Herm, this is Billy Napier, he’s part of the existing coaching staff that we’ve asked to stay on after firing Todd Graham. Billy’s your offensive coordinator.

EDWARDS: [getting up off floor] Nice to meet you, my man. [shaking hand vigorously] Sure is nice indeed. I tell you what, you don’t seem offensive at all. I’m finding your presence entirely pleasant. Think you’ve been given a bad rap, Mr. Nap. Nothin’ offensive at all.

NAPIER: No, you see, that’s my title, I coordinate the-

EDWARDS: [still shaking his hand] [yanks him in close] Is it the profanity? That what they peggin’ you for, big man? You like to let a blue word or two slip now and then? I hear you, my dude, we’re all human here, we’ve all got our failings. Couple of moments of weakness, you get frustrated with the trials and tribulations in life, you might let some colorful language slip. Ain’t no reason to carry that as your banner, Danny Tanner. Why, you shoulda heard me when I was watchin’ the new Star Wars just now. Tell you what, Captain Planet, we need openness in this program. We need to trust each other. So it ain’t my style, but just this once I’m gonna swear a little with you, make you feel comfortable in your new home.

NAPIER: I’ve actually been working here for a-

EDWARDS: [leaning in very dramatically, as Anderson holds out an arm to prop him up] Fanny.

NAPIER: Fanny?

EDWARDS: [hollering] THAT’S SOME LOCKER ROOM TALK, BROTHER. All right. We bonded. Good news.

NAPIER: Oh... kay. Well, Ray, I thought maybe it’d help Herm settle in if he understood more of the program’s history, so I made some calls to some of our famous alumni. Oh, here’s one of them now.

JAKE PLUMMER: Hi, I’m Jake “The Snake” Pl-

EDWARDS: [leaps up on chair] NO MA’AM

ANDERSON: It’s a nickname, Herm. He’s not an actual snake. This is the only quarterback to ever lead our program to a Rose Bowl.

PLUMMER: Hi, I’m Jake Plummer.

EDWARD: Plumber, eh? That’s a fine respectable trade. Tell you what, Nick, you’re just the man I’ve been needing to see today. My new office, I’ve got a real mess brewin’ in there. C’mon, grab your tools.

ANDERSON: That’s not the only mess we’ve got on our hands.