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40 FOR 40 ROLLS ON (AGAIN)

DOWNHILL, WITHOUT BRAKES, AND WITH NO ONE AT THE WHEEL

By Spencer Hall Updated
REMEMBER THE GOOD TIMES, LIKE WHEN TODD GRAHAM SAVED MONEY ON CONSTRUCTION BY DOING THE WORK HIMSELF

It’s a good question: Why does anyone work from 12/24 to 1/8 or so? It’s clearly an entire country phoning it in for the most part, either half-functioning from hangovers or paralyzed by the lack of childcare because schools are out. Do you want to know why teams gameplan poorly for bowl games, and then walk away from the flames shrugging IDC IDC IDC and checking their phone to see if their grocery delivery arrived, or if their mother-in-law just texted them to say the four year old just puked in the houseplant? Again?

Because this is the worst time of year to try to get anything done whatsoever, even for coaches and players who were going to prep for the bowl, but got sidelined by the relatives coming through unannounced with their incontinent dog and fourteen regifted packages and the news about how family you’ve never heard of has a tumor, but it’s not SERIOUS? Booze? Where is the goddamn booze, and why is the four year old about to powerbomb the dog?

Here are the 40 for 40s getting you through the night of December 29th. Fuck this time of year in the ear. All of it. In the ear with a rusty pike, repeatedly. Just: Fuck it.

BELK BOWL: Where we count only the most formally recognized of flagship Belk stores, and can’t say enough about Charlotte, North Carolina. (Because we can’t think of anything to say about Charlotte, North Carolina.)

THE ARIZONA BOWL: At least you can watch it on real TV this year, and not on America’s 347th most popular streaming service: Glamazon Prom. Also: New Mexico State! In a bowl for the first time since the age of pre-horse travel, because according to Jason horses were invented in the 1970s.

MUSIC CITY BOWL: Kentucky football owns this bowl game, or at least has squatter’s rights, and that’s enough for a standard of ownership in the Bluegrass State.

COTTON BOWL: An actually good bowl game, and also part of Sam Darnold’s plan to confuse bad teams into not drafting him, thus saving his early NFL career.

SUN BOWL: Todd Graham is coaching this game despite being fired for Herm Edwards! Todd Graham might still have to coach Arizona State next year, because Herm Edwards might not know he’s the coach of the Arizona State Sun Devils!