This week, MTV announced that they’re rekindling the hottest television concept of 2010, Jersey Shore, with a new cast and a new location: the Florida Panhandle! Our intrepid corporate spies have been able to pirate an advance copy of the show’s pilot, and we’re offering you a sneak peek at: Floribama Shore.
[VOICEOVER: We asked ourselves, what happens when you put eight unpleasant strangers in a beach house together and just start filming. This is what happens when people stop being nice, and start being real, and when networks no longer want to pay for scripted television. This is: FLORIBAMA SHORE]
[THEME MUSIC: some kind of white-guys-in-cowboy-hats-rapping abomination]
THE PRETTY ONE: I’m not here to make friends.
NOT THE PRETTY ONE: I’m the pretty one.
THE DUMB ONE: We’re going to have an epic summer.
THE ONE WHO’S GOING TO DIE FROM UNTESTED SUPPLEMENT USE IN A COUPLE YEARS: I’m really into taking care of my body.
THE ONE WHO THEY’RE BILLING AS THE NICE ONE WHO’S GOING TO BE REVEALED TO HAVE PRIOR ASSAULT CONVICTIONS IN A COUPLE MONTHS: I’m just a nice guy, looking to meet that someone special.
THE 42-YEAR-OLD FOOTBALL COACH: I’m Lane Kiffin.
THE VIOLENT ONE: Get that [bleep] camera out of my [bleep] face, [bleep]ker.
THE REDEEMABLE ONE: I think we’re going to have a great time, there’ll be some conflicts, but if we’re all just reasonable people, we can have a great time and forge some lasting friendships. [freeze frame] The Redeemable One died in a DJ equipment fire before on-set filming started. [headshot with caption] The Redeemable One, 1996-2017.
[SCENE: inside a wackily-furnished beach house in Panama City Beach]
THE DUMB ONE: Yoooooo this place is dope. Am I the first one here?
SUPPLEMENT DEATH [has been visible in the shot the whole time]: Hey, what’s up
PRIOR CONVICTIONS: Hey
DUMB ONE: Hey, I’m Tony. This place is lit AF, we’re going to have a baller time, bruh.
SUPPLEMENTS: This is how young people talk in 2017
PRIORS: That is correct, this is not just how a 35-year-old man who only interacts with people his age thinks young people talk. This is how we actually talk, probably.
DUMB ONE: Fam
THE OTHER TWO [nodding]: Fam.
[door is kicked open]
VIOLENT ONE: YOU’RE JUST GOING TO MAKE ME CARRY MY OWN BAGS IN?
THE NOT-PRETTY ONE: [carrying the violent one’s bags in already] I can’t believe they would do this to us, the two most attractive cast members
THE PRETTY ONE [following behind]: Hi
LANE KIFFIN: [emerges slowly from behind a potted plant] Hello, I’m Lane Kiffin, head coach of the Florida Atlantic Owls.
SUPPLEMENTS: Hey, let’s all ask each other some questions that establish our characters. I had this idea naturally, and I’m not being fed lines by a producer through this conspicuous earpiece.
SUPPLEMENTS: Uh, fam.
OTHERS: [murmured approval]
PRETTY ONE: I’ve got a spontaneous question: what’s the wildest thing you’ve ever done?
UNPRETTY: I once drank so much I blacked out and woke up in a church!
OTHERS: [nodding approval]
UNPRETTY: They were actually having a funeral for me. Apparently I’d been legally dead for days. My parents were sobbing. [laughing] They’re so lame.
PRIORS: I once threw a guy through a plate-glass window for macking on my girl. I’m like, bro, I’m here trying to take my girl out to a nice meal, and you’re singing to my girl? Like, are you kidding, bro?
OTHERS: [nodding approval, unaware that his violent episode at Chuck E. Cheese will lead to a public-relations disaster for the producers shortly after this episode airs]
VIOLENT ONE: That’s lit.
DUMB ONE, concurring: We still say lit. We still say the same things middle-aged white accountants on Twitter say.
LANE KIFFIN: I once told Alshon Jeffrey he’d end up pumping gas if he went to South Carolina.
DUMB ONE: Wow, that’s dumb.
KIFFIN: I took the Tennessee job and left after only one year.
PRETTY ONE: Wow, you’re a wild man.
SUPPLEMENTS: Oh, man, I coached them from 2013 to present, this guy is nuts
KIFFIN: I once got fired from a job on the runway of an airport
PRIORS: Yo, this guy’s crazy, you guys
SUPPLEMENTS: That happens to me too, later this year, after the Missouri game
VIOLENT ONE, in background: OH MY GOD THERE’S SOMEONE IN THIS ROOM
JIM MCELWAIN: [shuffles out of room, nude] Oh, hey there, everybody. Oh, hey, Lane.
KIFFIN: Hey, Jim.
SUPPLEMENTS: Hey, Jim.
MCELWAIN: [does not recognize him] Oh, uh, yeah, hey there, big fella. Look, hey, I’m gonna get out of here, I, uh, I thought this house was unoccupied, I just figured I’d hole up here until a few things blow over, oh man you got some cameras and stuff, that’s wild, hey guys [waves to cameras, makes no effort to conceal nudity] well, hey, I hope you have a great time, then. [shows self out without retrieving clothes]
THE PRETTY ONE: This show was a bad idea, wasn’t it.
PRIORS: I feel bad about every decision I’ve made that’s brought me to this point.
SUPPLEMENTS: Even in my very-generous personal definition of winning, I consider my involvement in this a loss.
VIOLENT ONE: I’m gonna go take a nap.
LANE KIFFIN: Hey, hold up, before you go in there, let me just give Fish & Wildlife a quick call [dialing phone] Hey, Frank? Yeah. Yeah, it was Jim again.