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FINE LET’S TALK ABOUT THE DAMN UNIFORMS

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I’M JUST TRYING TO HAVE A NICE NIGHT AT HOME, FLORIDA, YOU ASSHOLES

One of my favorite shows to binge watch is A Chef’s Life. I like it because it’s just as much about people and places as it is food, and it doesn’t try to do that cooking show thing where everything looks beautiful and the kitchen is spotless and isn’t this easy and fun? I’d especially recommend it if you’re a displaced Southerner looking for something soothing this winter.

Anyways, Season 5 just started this week. I was all ready to sit down and watch the first episode when my goddamn Twitter notifications starting buzzing. This is why.

So now, instead of watching some relaxing footage of tomato plants, I’m gonna talk about these fuckers. THANK YOU, MY ALMA MATER.

POINT OF CONTENTION NUMBER ONE: BIOLOGICAL ACCURACY

Zurich Classic Of New Orleans - Round One Photo by Chris Graythen/Getty Images

As you can tell by the above photo, grass is green and alligators are not. Alligators are the color of a dirty lake where a 37 year old man named Traxx crashes his jetski because he has no idea how to operate it. No, Traxx was not wearing a life preserver because then how would you see the tattoo depicting Wesley-Snipes-as-Blade on his chest?

Hey, you know what you don’t see? YOU DON’T SEE GEORGIA UNVEILING UNIFORMS WHERE THE COLOR SCHEME IS WHITE, DOG SALIVA, AND BLOODSHOT EYE. Somehow, Bulldog fans have managed to survive this lack of faithful recreation! I get that we’re very proud that we’re putting the right animal on the media guide now. But this is a sport where we have multiple bird mascots with teeth, an extinct mountain lion, a dragon, and Big Red. It’s not

POINT OF CONTENTION NUMBER TWO: NOT ENOUGH BIOLOGICAL ACCURACY

If we’re gonna do this, let’s fucking do this. Where’s the tail? Are we cramming 44 more teeth into every player’s mouth? Is the training table going to have a shitload of raccoons and herons and sunfish laid out? Will Texas A&M be able to avoid tackles simply by running in a zig zag? Is the team going to spend halftime basking on the sideline and making that horrible guttural bellow?

POINT OF CONTENTION NUMBER THREE: BUT RECRUITS WILL LIKE IT

I bet they’d like Nintendo Switches with $200 “accidentally” left in the box better.

POINT OF CONTENTION NUMBER FOUR: CAN WE NOT JUST LAY LOW

To date, Florida has lost badly to Michigan, lost dumbly to LSU, beaten Vanderbilt convincingly, narrowly avoided blowing a lead against Tennessee, and even more narrowly avoided the end of the win streak against Kentucky. The Gators face a Texas A&M team that was competitive against Alabama and would prefer that you not dig into those other games. They were sent to Archives Subbasement G, and you do not have the security clearance required to access Archives Subbasement G.

Florida probably won’t win the East this year, which is fine. Florida almost certainly won’t be catastrophically bad either, which is also fine. This season is neither Florida’s wedding day nor Florida passing out in its own prime rib vomit at someone else’s wedding. This season is just a sick day. Can we not let Florida just stay home, not shower, eat a bunch of cereal, and download workout apps it’ll never use for more than a week? BY THIS TIME IN FOUR MONTHS FLORIDA WILL DO A HUNDRED PUSHUPS!

Nope. Just haaaaad to break out the Island of Dr. Moreau Pro Combats and get roasted on the timeline. Wonderful.

POINT OF CONTENTION NUMBER FIVE: YOU’RE GONNA MAKE A BIG DUDE WEAR THIS AND IT’S NOT GOING TO BE FLATTERING AND HE DID NOTHING WRONG YOU DICKS

You absolute dicks.