PETTY NEVER SLEEPS

Tony Buzbee is a name that might ring a few bells. If not, let’s all remember him together.

Buzbee is the former Marine, Houston attorney, and Texas A&M regent who called for the firing of football coach Kevin Sumlin following the Aggies’ breathtaking collapse against UCLA. He did this on Facebook, where all important policy is made. When not calling for the firing of Kevin Sumlin, Buzbee is a powerful, important-type Houston attorney who enjoys suing small companies like BP and auctioning off his luxury car collection for charity.

A little under two weeks after he called for the firing of Sumlin, Buzbee bought a real Sherman tank at auction for $600,00. He then parked it outside of his mansion in Houston because:

“It was this particular type of piece of equipment that helped us win that war,” Buzbee, the grandson of a Normandy vet, told a reporter. “And had we not won that war, this would be a completely different country, now we celebrate our freedoms and our right to speak, and our right to have a tank on our front yards.”

AS THE FOREFATHERS INTENDED.

This is all very amusing even without involving the Texas A&M/Texas rivalry. And since nothing in Texas is untouched by the poison between the two schools, neither is Tony Buzbee’s tank. In addition to becoming a point of heated argument between Buzbee and the local HOA, Cheyenne—because of course Tony Buzbee named it “Cheyenne”— also became the latest front in one Longhorns fan’s long war to discredit any and all things Aggie, including Tony Buzbee’s tank.

This is where tell you to go to Texas Monthly and read the rest, but let’s summarize all the Texas we can fit in a few tidy bullet points:

• Aggie/Longhorn rivalry element? Check
• Mansion involved? Check
• Flashy attorney? Check
• Firearms? Check, via “armored vehicle on front lawn, albeit with cannon disabled as condition of import”
• HOA fight where rich people gussy up against some nouveau riche yahoo’s lawn decoration? Check
• Saying having a tank in your yard is an American right? CHECK CHECK CHECK

In conclusion: Texas forever.

P.S. Kevin Sumlin might have coached his way back into trouble by losing badly to Mississippi State this weekend, so watch Tony Buzbee’s Facebook page closely for further updates.