QUESTION: IS NICK SABAN DB COOPER?

Tonight, we may all watch Nick Saban win his sixth national title, establishing himself as arguably the greatest coach in the history of college football. The methods for that sustained excellence haven’t changed, and neither has the man, as this Houston Chronicle piece suggests over and over again.

Note: Nick Saban worked for Jerry Glanville once. Bosses do NOT make their underlings, or as one person in the article states as the most important lesson of his Houston Oilers experiment: “what not to do.”

Then again, re-reading it: DOES NICK SABAN HOLD THE DARK SECRET TO ONE OF AMERICA’S GREATEST UNSOLVED CRIMES?

He adopted the staff's grim sense of humor. Glanville would leave tickets for deceased celebrities, like Elvis. For a game in Seattle, Saban suggested reserving a ticket for D.B. Cooper, an unidentified airplane hijacker from 1971 who had parachuted out and was never found despite an FBI manhunt. Saban said he might show up.

"He got the biggest grin over that," Glanville said. "I've actually seen Nick smile. It hurt him. I think I could hear tissue cracking."

So: When randomly asked what “dead” celebrity to leave tickets for in his name, Nick Saban just randomly said “DB Cooper” like that’s a normal thing to do in 1988 or 1989. And that it was the only thing that made Nick Saban smile in the entire time Jerry Glanville worked with him?

REASONS NICK SABAN IS PROBABLY DB COOPER:

He nervously just mentioned DB Cooper. Sure, like you just mention that around Jerry Glanville, another dude who might have also been DB Cooper.

He’d be old enough to do it. Nick Saban would have been 20, an age much younger than the profile typically given to the notorious hijacker. Then again, Nick Saban is from West Virginia. Why wouldn’t he look like forty years old at twenty, particularly if he was born in West Virginia in the fifties? Everyone in the past looked old at 20, and like Nick Saban wouldn’t have a gameplan including disguising his coverage.

No really the similarities between a terrible composite drawing and a young Nick Saban are sort of there now that we’ve anchored the thought in your mind, aren’t they?

One:

Two:

Both white guys who don’t look capable of happiness unless they’re breaking up aerial patterns for huge amounts of cash. We’re sold, and so are you. THE INTERCEPTION IS THE HIJACKING OF FOOTBALL PLAYS AND NICK SABAN HAS ALWAYS BEEN A DB.

He’d need the money. He was a DB at Kent State, but the MAC in the late sixties wasn’t exactly pumping out the fun money, even with future U-Dub legend Don James turning them into a good football team eventually.

He had the perfect accomplice. Where did Cooper parachute out over? Washington. Where did Don James end up, just four years later? Well after the FBI’s initial search turned up nothing, including the ransom money Cooper parachuted away from the plane with? That’s right: the University of Washington. THERE ARE NO COINCIDENCES IN A CONSPIRACY. Also, do you think Don James would snitch? Hell no, Don James would not snitch.

He had the time. Kent State played their last game of their 3-8 season on November 20, 1971. They had no bowl game. What better to do over the Thanksgiving holiday than hijack a plane for cash? The answer is nothing, dear reader. Nothing is a better idea than a young DB stealing a plane with a possibly fake bomb for cash, ditching it over a state he did not know using a parachute he had likely never used before, and then waiting four years to get the money in coordination with his old head coach, shut up, it works—

We’re all pretty sure Nick Saban could survive diving into a wilderness with a suitcase full of money. Might recruit some bears for the D-line, too, but only after getting their hand/paw-work right and teaching them how to set the edge against the rush.

He’s from West Virginia. Again, this is a compliment: if we’re recruiting someone sight unseen to pull off a caper, West Virginia is easily a top ten state for selecting prospective accomplices from a specific geographical area. Might not even ask too many questions about needing a parachute, they’ll just make do and pick a promising, soft spot of ground to hit when they land. This outlaw blood’s been through worse, buddy.

The entire enterprise depends on understanding defenses and escaping pressure. Clearly, Saban is a genius in this department, and always has been.

He’s short enough not to knock himself out hitting his head on the top of the rear boarding ramp of a 727 on the way out. And you say we only make fun of his height. Look at the advantages we’re citing here.