PLEASE FATTEN UP PJ FLECK

After an atrocious series of events—or despite them—somehow PJ Fleck will be the next coach at Minnesota. The Western Michigan coach will take the Gophers job after a remarkable run at Western featuring outstanding recruiting, a trip to a New Year’s day bowl, multiple tossings into the ceiling in postgame celebrations, and at least 594 types of branded motivational sloganeering.

He also did this.

We’re not worried about Fleck being successful at Minnesota in the long term in terms of performance. He recruits well, hasn’t hit the point of mid-career burnout many young, hard-charging coaches hit (The Meyer Threshold), and will take over the Minnnesota program at the best point in its long, often dismal history. This is set up reasonably well for him, football-wise, so long as he changes the culture at Minnesota and doesn’t go insane in the process.

This should not be an issue: P.J. Fleck is already insane. What concerns us for him in the long run is a key issue for those who may have already survived years in the wintry wastes of New Jersey and Kalamazoo: A lack of the necessary body fat needed to survive not just a few, but decades of life in the frigid, icy expanses of the Upper Midwest.

Fleck has done fine so far. (For example: here he is jumping into a hole in a frozen lake shirtless with guess what phrase written on his chest?) However, long-term research suggests that in order to thrive, Fleck needs to gain at least another quarter of his body mass, perhaps more, in order to properly weather the snows of the North Star State.

He’s going to need your help, Minnesota. P.J. will need your Maple Nut Goodies, your hot dishes, your most deeply buttered of buttered steaks. He will need to be told that it is too cold outside, and he should just sit down, burn no calories, and sit in a film room for hours longer than he might even be accustomed to as a coach. While he sits in that room, perhaps offer him a box of fresh donuts, or a Juicy Lucy fresh off the grill.

Repeat until he is substantial enough to survive a night or two napping in a snowbank. If you continue this process with enough enthusiasm—and based on prior experience with Minnesotans, we more than believe you can—then we should get a coach of ample enough stature to not only compete in the Big Ten, but thrive in it. Your new coach is too driven to ever gain an ounce of extra fat, so we need you to help him do it for the team. For the university. For the state.

We believe you can do it, Minnesota. We believe you can help Coach Fleck gRow the Bloat.

P.S. Your vision board for P.J. Fleck’s goal weight/lifestyle should contain one photo and one photo only.