Blue Shell: Defender who will find you, no matter where you are on the field, and leave you upside-down and unsure of where you are.
Chain Chomp: Defensive prospect who can cover exactly three yards of turf in either direction very well, but not an inch past that.
Boo Buddy: A scary and fast safety who in fact cannot hurt anyone.
Koopa Troopa: A middle linebacker ideal for play in a Cover 2 scheme who is useless if his shell is removed.
Shy Guy: The white guy defensive lineman who kind of looks like a terrifying white supremacist, but who turns out to be an ideal teammate to everyone.
Wario: Large, bulky, unwieldy defensive lineman who talks shit, runs a 5.4, cannot be blocked on run plays, and who is virtually useless as a pass rusher. A Wario-type running back will gain three yards on every play, never more, and never less. He will not pass block, because that is for loser nerds.
Waluigi: Secondary/Y-receiver type wideout who crotch-chops after each reception and is good for two personal fouls a game. Mopes without adequate touches; will never receive enough touches.
Red Shell: Three-star linebacker with a nose for the ball who tries real hard, but will never be a Blue Shell.
Green shell: High school talent with no ability to control where he goes on the field, read defenses or offenses, or hit a specific target. Usually placed on kickoff coverage.
Toad: Undersized running back with insane speed. Flies into the second row with the slightest bit of contact. Helmet always looks way too big for his tiny head.
Banana peel: Two-star special teamer with a knack for accidentally tackling five-star kick/punt returners in the open field.
Power slider: Impossibly fast prospect who appears to be at a light jog when everyone else is at a full lung-busting sprint.
Bowser: “This player is basically James Harrison.”
Diddy Kong: Son of coach offered strictly for nepotism’s sake. Will hold clipboard or bench space and signal plays in before entering coaching.
Bob-omb: Prospect who, once a game and once a game only, will absolutely and positively blow up a play by themselves.
Mario: Well-rounded four or five star recruit with no visible weaknesses and outstanding running and jumping ability. Can play almost any position.
Luigi: Friend of Mario-type offered strictly to entice Mario to come to your school.
Princess Peach: Skill-player type with diva tendencies who can still squat 500 the day they walk into the gym from high school and hold a block against a player who outweighs them by 50 pounds.
Blooper: D-lineman who excels on getting a hand in the quarterback’s face.
Lightning: Five-star talent who makes everyone else on the field look smaller, slower, and doomed.
Bullet Bill: Five-star talent who singlehandedly takes your program from last to first with shocking speed. No comparable replacement value found. (See: Cam Newton.)
Mushroom Cup: NAIA
Flower Cup: FCS
Star Cup: Any FBS school
Special Cup: Power 5
Bowser’s Castle: Bryant-Denny Stadium
Wario Stadium: Tiger Stadium (LSU)
Koopa Troopa Beach: Hard Rock Stadium (UM) (it’s empty)
Rainbow Road: The Rose Bowl
Moo Moo Meadows: Jordan-Hare Stadium