HOW TO TALK ABOUT RECRUITING IF YOU ONLY KNOW MARIO KART TERMS

Blue Shell: Defender who will find you, no matter where you are on the field, and leave you upside-down and unsure of where you are.

Chain Chomp: Defensive prospect who can cover exactly three yards of turf in either direction very well, but not an inch past that.

Boo Buddy: A scary and fast safety who in fact cannot hurt anyone.

Koopa Troopa: A middle linebacker ideal for play in a Cover 2 scheme who is useless if his shell is removed.

Shy Guy: The white guy defensive lineman who kind of looks like a terrifying white supremacist, but who turns out to be an ideal teammate to everyone.

Wario: Large, bulky, unwieldy defensive lineman who talks shit, runs a 5.4, cannot be blocked on run plays, and who is virtually useless as a pass rusher. A Wario-type running back will gain three yards on every play, never more, and never less. He will not pass block, because that is for loser nerds.

Waluigi: Secondary/Y-receiver type wideout who crotch-chops after each reception and is good for two personal fouls a game. Mopes without adequate touches; will never receive enough touches.

Red Shell: Three-star linebacker with a nose for the ball who tries real hard, but will never be a Blue Shell.

Green shell: High school talent with no ability to control where he goes on the field, read defenses or offenses, or hit a specific target. Usually placed on kickoff coverage.

Toad: Undersized running back with insane speed. Flies into the second row with the slightest bit of contact. Helmet always looks way too big for his tiny head.

Banana peel: Two-star special teamer with a knack for accidentally tackling five-star kick/punt returners in the open field.

Power slider: Impossibly fast prospect who appears to be at a light jog when everyone else is at a full lung-busting sprint.

Bowser: “This player is basically James Harrison.”

Diddy Kong: Son of coach offered strictly for nepotism’s sake. Will hold clipboard or bench space and signal plays in before entering coaching.

Bob-omb: Prospect who, once a game and once a game only, will absolutely and positively blow up a play by themselves.

Mario: Well-rounded four or five star recruit with no visible weaknesses and outstanding running and jumping ability. Can play almost any position.

Luigi: Friend of Mario-type offered strictly to entice Mario to come to your school.

Princess Peach: Skill-player type with diva tendencies who can still squat 500 the day they walk into the gym from high school and hold a block against a player who outweighs them by 50 pounds.

Blooper: D-lineman who excels on getting a hand in the quarterback’s face.

Lightning: Five-star talent who makes everyone else on the field look smaller, slower, and doomed.

Bullet Bill: Five-star talent who singlehandedly takes your program from last to first with shocking speed. No comparable replacement value found. (See: Cam Newton.)

Mushroom Cup: NAIA

Flower Cup: FCS

Star Cup: Any FBS school

Special Cup: Power 5

Bowser’s Castle: Bryant-Denny Stadium

Wario Stadium: Tiger Stadium (LSU)

Koopa Troopa Beach: Hard Rock Stadium (UM) (it’s empty)

Rainbow Road: The Rose Bowl

Moo Moo Meadows: Jordan-Hare Stadium