THE DREAM JOURNAL OF JIM HARBAUGH

Day 1: Rome

Tonight was weird. We all got back to the hotel from the Trevi fountain. Turns out it’s just a really old fountain. It’s crazy how old and run-down things are here! It’s like being in Ohio State’s football stadium, but all the time and warmer.

Anyway, this is a dream journal so about dreams. When I went down for the night I couldn’t stop thinking about Alfa Romeos. The ‘55 Giulietta Spider! Just a great car. I was driving one all over the place, and the NCAA was chasing me. But they only had a bike, and no one seemed to think I was doing anything wrong at all! They didn’t have a siren, so they kept whistling, and I was throwing clipboards at them and laughing.

I drove the Alfa into the middle of this big plaza and just parked it there and took my shirt off for a minute to soak up the sun. Cops kept whistling at me but I was too happy to notice. Plus Italian people don’t like the police, and they kept shushing them. It’s a great country.

Hugh Freeze was walking around with a bucket of jewels marked “Stolen” but no one seemed to mind. Oh: And later in the dream I beat Urban Meyer to death with an oar in a rowboat? For some reason it was fine.

Day two: More ruins. Lots of cats! I think people would like Ohio State’s stadium a lot more if they put cats everywhere and just let ‘em run the place. Cats are a lot like Woody Hayes, and should be really popular with Ohio State fans: They poop in a box, hate everything, and randomly swat at things they shouldn’t. It’s an idea to consider.

Dreams for night two were weirder. I was stuck in a children’s story, and had to figure out a puzzle. A really, really easy puzzle. I can’t tell you how easy this puzzle was. It’s kind of embarrassing how easy it was, and how bad our dialogue was. I didn’t know dialogue in dreams could be bad, but it can! It was a very simple dream, like I said, and I had to fight a really white man, whiter than me!

I CANNOT STAND THE THOUGHT OF SOMEONE BEATING ME IN PALENESS! I MUST WIN! LONG SLEEVES AND HATS THROUGH THE SUMMER! I MUST WIN, PAUL BETTANY!

My hair was long, too, which is how I know it had to be a comedy. No man has long hair in the year 2017 unless they’re a lineman, and even I make them throw Atlas stones to earn the right. Hercules earned his locks. You’ll have to earn them, too.

Day three: No dreams.

Day four: Had a great time at the Coliseum. The home of the gladiators! It was just inspiring to be in a place where everyone could compete, shake hands, and go home without any injury or harm. They used to flood it for boat races! I thought about how a power run game would still dominate in three feet of water. A team can do anything if they’re on the same page.

I had a dream about one of my favorite movies: Spartacus. I wasn’t Spartacus, though: I was the guy painting him, humiliating him. It would have been awkward but...I liked it? It’s a dream journal, I can say those things here. I just kept disrespecting him. And he liked it? I didn’t say this wouldn’t get weird! It felt like something I could do forever, though. No idea what it means.