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OFFSEASON CHRONICLES

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BRO I GOTTA DO THIS PLAN

Elite Fitness: National University Championship Derick E. Hingle-USA TODAY Sports

Q: It’s the offseason now. I’m clearly not too fat from drinking and eating badly one or two or maybe three nights and sometimes full days during the season. It’s just typical holiday bloat, right?

A: Sure. Gaining fifteen pounds over the course of four months seems normal, and you’ve been wearing the same two pairs of ill-fitting pants repeatedly because you just like them a lot.

Q: So you gotta do this plan.

A: Bro I gotta do this plan. Have to.

Q: I have to do the American Sniper workout, right?

A: Yeah you have to, you’ll look just like Bradlee Cooper. He gained 37 pounds of lean muscle mass in like eight weeks or something. You can do that. You gained eight pounds of fat in December. That’s basically the same thing. See: You’ve already got the gift, now it’s just time to wrap it in the right packaging.

Q: Because I am gonna work out twice a day right?

A: You are definitely going to drag sleds in your backyard and take stuff five times called PLAZMA and MAG-10 and eat 175 g of protein a day. You’re going to do all that for at least three months straight while doing farmer’s walks in the dark in your backyard. You’ll do this, even though you have never done it before in your life, all while getting enough sleep, not drinking too much, and definitely fulfilling every other obligation in your life to the max.

Q: What’s PLAZMA and Mag-10?

A: NOT EVEN THE FDA KNOWS BUT YOU GOTTA GET IT BRO.

Q: So maybe I do the Superman workout, Henry Cavill was Jesus and Superman so he must know what’s up

A: Yes, you will do a celebrity workout, and not just a celebrity workout, but a Gym Jones-designed one. This is good planning because in addition to working out twice a day, you will also have to measure your food, and make sure you maintain at least two hours of sheer intensity a day. Probably with a leaf blower going off in your backyard, or someone in the gym calling 911 wondering why you’re doing bear crawls with kettlebells through the cardio theater, or why you’re walking the entire squat rack through the parking lot of an LA Fitness on your shoulders.

People should recoil in horror at you in the gym, it means you’re doing it right. All the supplements in what you just puked up in the plant in the corner? That’s just gonna make the plant grow faster, y’all, or kill it in minutes. Let’s find out together which one it is.

Q: I have to Stronglift.

A: There’s so many things you gotta do. You have to Stronglift. You have to do Starting Strength. You have to do the 100 Push-Up Challenge and the Marine Pullup Challenge and train for a 10K and not a 5K because IT’S TWICE AS FAR, IT MUST BE TWICE AS GOOD.

You have to squat. My God, do you have to squat. You have to do a Smolov Squat Cycle. You have to do a Bulgarian Squat protocol. You have to do the Ed Coan Deadlift Program and the Steve Cockhammer Bench Bodyruption and Six Weeks of Squatting Madness.

If you want to focus on something you’re going to have to focus on it to get better, is the point. And that’s why it’s essential to try to do everything, because to be strong you’re going to need a full-body workout. So do one thing and everything—or we’ll send you straight to Planet Fitness and the elliptical machine.

Q: I should be more flexible, too, right?

A: You’re probably already an inch shorter from not stretching, to be honest. You’re probably a good fifteen pounds under your max because you’re not foam rolling or getting the right massages or even stretching at all. You should be careful to stretch adequately. You should never stretch. If you don’t stretch, I’m going to punch you in the face until you start stretching for seventy minutes on either side of your workout.

You’re going to be doing the splits like Christian Wilkins by May and if you don’t I don’t think your taking this whole thing seriously.

Q: I want to have endurance, too.

A: You better. You better get on your bike and do a detailed program. You better do sprints to keep your gains. You should also do endurance and not worry about your gains. The best way to keep your gains is to definitely do one or both of these, or neither. If you’re not clear on this, you’re missing a crucial part of your programming, and missing out on your maximum potential. Definitely build this into your workout regime.

You should swim immediately after lifting, or maybe before. Sledgehammer swings on a tire are a waste of time UNLESS YOU JUST WANT TO HIT SOMETHING WITH A HAMMER. They are also an important part of every program. Do them or you’re going to die when the frog-goblins rise up and bury us. Conditioning should be customized to what you do in your daily life, is the point.

That’s why I’m going to ask you to throw a medicine ball across your yard and wiggle these heavy ropes. Because you’re the Executive VP of Rope-Wiggling and Development at your company, and you need to show these people how it’s done or they will eat you and take your stuff.

This is your workout regime and you must own it.

Q: Isn’t the word regimen?

A: Only if you don’t want to rule your body like Stalin. And why don’t you want to rule your body like Stalin? He liked plans.

Q: That seems problematic.

A: PROBLEMATIC READS THE LABELS ON PRE-WORKOUTS BEFORE DRINKING THEM AND STICKS TO THE MACHINE CIRCUIT. Drink this pre-workout. It will make your face feel like you just stuck your head in beehive and that is how you know it works. Do this 12 week plan. Do this 24 week plan. Print out this thing on T-Nation that talked about how stretching would lower your testosterone. Buy $2500 in workout gear for your home gym instead of paying off your credit card, only to sell it for $700 five months later. Join a gym 18 miles from your house just because they have Krav Maga classes which you will definitely drive to twice a week in rush hour traffic. Gym clothes are overrated, which is why you will spend $400 on them.

DO IT. ANYTHING LESS THAN TOTAL COMMITMENT IS SURRENDER.

Q: One last question: what can I wear?

A: Oh, whatever you want.

Q: Cool, I was worried about—

ARE YOU EVEN SERIOUS ABOUT LIFE IF YOU DON’T HAVE THIS

A: YOU NEED A REAPER BUCK CAMO IOWA WRESTLING SINGLET TO DO EVERY EXERCISE IN OR I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY YOU’RE EVEN THINKING ABOUT TRYING TO GET IN SHAPE THIS OFFSEASON