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GREAT MOMENTS IN FALLING ASLEEP EARLY

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A STUDY IN WASHEDEDNESS (IT’S A TECHNICAL TERM)

“The players from South Bend are taller and more athletic, I think it’s pretty clear they’ve got this locked up. Besides, passing four times before shooting? That’s pretty arbitrary. I think I’ll turn in early tonight.”

“Well, it looks like they’re not even going to let the Bad News Bears play, I might as well get some shut-eye.”

“Sure doesn’t look like there’s enough goodwill left in New York City to overcome that psychoreactive sludge, think I’m gonna hit the hay.”

“Man, all these quirky British people have irreparably messed-up personal lives. I guess love isn’t all around us. Besides, I’ve got a big meeting in the morning.”

“Oh, good. It seems like we’ll have gotten to the end of Notre Dame’s season without that annoying scrawny guy getting to play. I don’t think “really wanting to” should be a qualification for playing major-college football anyways, that’d be an obnoxious precedent to set. Besides, he’d probably just go offsides if he did play. Anyways, I’m gonna get up early and work out tomorrow.”

[scoffing] “I believe in science, Al Michaels.” [turns off TV manually, since it was 1980 and I don’t think they had remote controls then]

“I think it’s great that Jerry followed his heart, and he learned some important lessons about loyalty, but it doesn’t seem like this heartfelt speech is convincing her. With that in mind, I really haven’t been sleeping well lately, and this is a good opportunity to catch up.”

“Welp, TJ Yeldon stepped out of bounds, but time had run out anyways. They’ll have this in overtime. Gonna get rest up - every second counts!”

“Geez, the Knicks are up six with only 18.7 seconds left in this playoff game. I can’t see anyone - not even a terrible future TV commentator - being able to overcome that. Looks like it’s off to Slumbertown, population: Me!”

“Shucks, it looks like this big Russian fella’s got ol’ Rocky’s number today. I mean, he had the crowd support, anyways. It would be totally implausible to expect the Moscow crowd to be anything but supportive of their fighter. At any rate, you have to figure this’ll be the last time the Russians embarrass us. Time for a warm glass of milk and my jammies.”

“Man, I’m glad I don’t live on a planet like this ape-filled one. I’ll sleep well knowing that Earth is better than that.”

“Heck, the Golden State Warriors, winners of a record 73 regular season games, have a 3-1 lead in this series, and the NBA’s first unanimous MVP. Experts say that can’t be overcome, and other experts stress the importance of a good night’s sleep.”

“I wonder if this clearly-alive guy is ever going to help Haley Joel Osment figure out why he sees dead people. But you know what? I’ll just look it up in the morning.”

“Dogs can’t play basketball. Don’t be silly. I’m not staying up to discuss this any further.”

Anyways, uh. What’d you guys do last night?