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SHOULD YOU GET MARRIED IN THE FALL?

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THAT’S RIGHT I BEAT EVERYONE ELSE TO THE 2017 PUNCH SUCKERS

Detroit Lions v Green Bay Packers Photo by Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

This column gets written 17 times every year, but this year, I will be the first out of ANYONE to publish it. That’s right. It’s time for me, A Person Of Self-Appointed Authority, to give you the definitive take on whether or not you should throw a wedding in the fall.

So many factors to consider! Cost, availability of the venue, relative inconvenience to your guests, weather, which of your friends have already scheduled weddings and when. But they all seem unimportant when you consider this possibility: a fall wedding is a fantastic opportunity to stunt on your rivals.

Like most good ideas, this one was stolen from someone else. Holly’s parents got hitched on the Third Saturday in October; per Holly, they did so specifically because her mother wanted to see who would choose her over that game. That’s top quality stunting, and it lends itself to a few other variants.

1. Schedule a fall wedding to project confidence.

Early October must be gorgeous in Ann Arbor. Oh, you’re a Michigan couple with Michigan State friends frustrated that you schedule your ceremony during this rivalry game? Well, it’s a shame they’re not as confident in the Spartans as you are in Jim Harbaugh. I mean, if you really thought Michigan State was going to win, you wouldn’t be asking me for the church wifi password, would you?

2. Schedule a fall wedding to disrespect a game you’re not involved in.

The World’s Largest Outdoor what now? Shit, I didn’t know they were still doing that. That’s like finding out there’s a company developing new Super Nintendo games. Anyways, yeah, the wedding starts at 4:00 and we need to know if you’re getting the prime rib or the fish pretty soon. It’s a vendor thing.

SEC East implications? Look, if you don’t want to come, you can just say so. You don’t have to make up some terrible excuse. I told you Lindsey’s not going to be there. Roll Tide.

3. Schedule a fall wedding, but over-accommodate your guests.

This sucker starts at 1:45 on Sunday morning and instead of music at the reception we’re streaming the radio call of the Hawaii game. That way nobody’s Saturday watching plans are getting screwed up! Also, remind your guests that it’s good manners to send a gift even if you don’t plan to attend thaaaaaaaaaanks.

Happy 2017, y’all. If you wish hard enough, maybe this will be the last thing I ever write here!