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BEAT THIS, NOT THAT

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A VIEWERS' GUIDE TO THE BAD CHOICES OF WEEK 2

College football returned with a bang in Week 1, with a slate of compelling and hard-fought games that nearly lived up to ESPN's well-intentioned-if-kinda-oversold "Best Opening Weekend Ever" billing. Tom Herman's upstart Houston Cougars proved that they're a serious playoff contender with a convincing win over 2015 playoff participant Oklahoma. The sleeping giant of Texas Longhorn football stirred from its nine-year nap and swatted #10 Notre Dame off its face in a 50-47 double-overtime thriller. Wisconsin upset #5 LSU in a game that merits no further discussion. It was a great, great weekend of football.

So, now that we've truly got our appetites back for college football madness, what's Week 2 got in store for us?

Yep, it's a wasteland this weekend. A great time for teams to rest, recuperate, and burn off one-game suspensions, but not a great time for you, the viewing public. In fact, there are no games - none! - between ranked FBS opponents, the first time that's happened since September 8th, 2012. For perspective: on September 9th, 2012, Lane Kiffin's USC Trojans were ranked #2 in the country.

So, what's a fan to do? Go outside? Spend time with your family? Change your "no" RSVP to a "yes" for that fall wedding you were planning to skip? Exercise? Heavens, no. We're not animals here.

Instead, I've developed some alternatives. We've all got different tastes, but I can look at the game you were going to watch, and tell you what you might consider watching instead.

NOT THAT: THE BATTLE AT BRISTOL

Ostensibly the weekend's biggest game - at the very least, its biggest event, this one's been circled on a lot of peoples' calendars for a while. Bristol Motor Speedway's been under round-the-clock conversion the last three weeks in preparation to host the largest crowd to ever witness a college football game, 150,000 fans roaring for this titanic matchup between...

... the Tennessee Volunteers, who needed overtime and a lucky bounce to sneak by Appalachian State, and Virginia Tech, who at one point Saturday trailed Liberty University 13-10.

Okay.

BEAT THIS:

See? You've got turkeys, that's basically Hokies. These guys are showing far more offensive press than anything we've seen from VT in recent years. And... uh... a mailman? Well, you see... that's Tennessee because they really stopped being essential around the late '90s.

NOT THAT: PENN STATE VS. PITTSBURGH

I see the appeal, on paper. You're finally renewing a long-dormant rivalry between bitter in-state brethren. You've got a storied program that's had some down years finally sniffing a return to glory, and they're up against Penn State.

It reads like a terrific clash. And here's how it's actually going to go:

[Andy Capp fight cloud] "WAWA!" "SHEETZ!" "WAWA!" "SHEETZ!" "STATUE!" "EAT SHIT!"

In conclusion, Pennsylvania is a land of contrasts that are all bad.

BEAT THIS:

Here, you want to see a mountain lion fight a panther? Have at it. And no one's going to ask you to eat at a gas station afterwards.

NOT THAT: #5 MICHIGAN WOLVERINES VS. CENTRAL FLORIDA KNIGHTS

C'mon, man.

BEAT THAT:

It's exactly how the game's going to go, and it only took 21 seconds.

NOT THAT: #11 WISC- haha quit messing with me guys oh shit wait it really says that? alright man whatever - #11 WISCONSIN VS. AKRON

BEAT THIS:

They hung tough for three-quarters of that video. It's a moral victory.

NOT THAT: IOWA-IOWA STATE

You know what, I'm not gonna tell you how to live your life and you're not gonna want to listen, so we'll just agree to disagree here.

NOT THAT: CINCINNATI-PURUDE

Do you need someone to talk to, or

NOT THAT: VIRGINIA-OREGON

Why are you making Virginia fly across the country for this? That's not nice.

BEAT THIS:

There. Ducks, Commodores, let us never speak of this again.

AND THEN THERE'S THAT: KENTUCKY AT FLORIDA

I think this is going to be a [snicker] good, well-played [cough] fun game between two teams on the way up [tear runs down cheek] and we should all watch it together, unless there's anything that could possibly top watching these two bitter rivals go at it...