clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

THE STOOPS BROTHERS SELL YOU A HOME

New, 1014 comments

OUR PILOT THAT HGTV RETURNED UNOPENED

Fansided

[two brothers, one wearing a sharp suit and the other a fashionable approximation of "contractor" clothes, stand cross-armed in front of a house with a "For Sale" sign]

BOB STOOPS: Hi, I'm Bob Stoops.

MARK STOOPS: And I'm Mark Stoops.

TOGETHER, POINTING AT CAMERA: And this is-

[at the same time] BOB: Stoops Appeal MARK: Stoops Dreams

BOB: I thought we agreed on-[MUSIC STARTS]

[CHEERY SAXOPHONE-HEAVY INTRO] TWO BROTHERS / COACHIN' FOOTBALL / NEEDED A FALLBACK / NOW THEY'RE SELLIN' HOUSES / ONE DOES REAL ESTATE / ONE CONSTRUCTION  / THIS IS NOT A KNOCKOFF OF PROPERTY BROTHERS AND THOSE GUYS ARE CANADIAN ANYWAYS SO WE DON'T HAVE TO RESPECT THEIR INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY LAAAAAAWS / IT'S-

[closeup on their faces]

STOOOOOOOOPS SALES!

BOB: Ah. That is a better title. I probably should've thought of that.

MARK: Probably should've had some backfield coverage in case Houston returned that kick, too.

BOB: WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULD'VE-

[scene cuts, we rejoin the brothers outside a suburban home with a young couple]

BOB: This first home we're going to look at today is a four-bedroom mid-century ranch. It's in a quiet neighborhood 10 minutes from downtown, and it's asking $369,900.

WOMAN: It's lovely, wonderful curb appeal.

MARK: [sweating profusely] AND ABSOLUTELY NO COYOTES.

MAN: I'm sorry, what did you say?

BOB: Worry-free living. Suburban calm with urban amenities, where nothing can possilbey go wrong. [clears throat] Possibly go wrong. Let's take a look inside!

WOMAN: I love the open floor plan. Great flow for entertaining. But this kitchen is so dated... I don't like these cabinets at all.

MARK: We've already prepared renderings to show you what we could do here - we'd tear out all this old stuff, knock out this undersized pantry, and provide you a fully-updated, modern kitchen with quartz countertops, glass-front cabinets, and a beautiful farmer's sink.

MAN: Wow, this is terrific. We'll take i-

MARK: You'd never know this was once a meth lab!

[everyone stares at Mark]

MARK: what

[in front of a second house]

BOB: This townhome is part of a planned community, it follows the New Urbanist strategy of neighborhood design - smaller lots, front porches, and more shared public space. You'd have higher HOA fees, but it's offset by a really strong resale value.

MAN: I think that's great. Really walkable - seems like a place where you'd really have a chance to get to know your neighbors, a great place to raise a family.

WOMAN: Aw, honey - does that mean you're finally ready to start-

MARK: Zika's gonna be here any day now.

WOMAN: I'm sorry?

MARK: I think I might have it already.

WOMAN: You...

MARK: Lot of mosquito bites this weekend.

[in front of a third house]

BOB: Now, this house is a tidy little Craftsman bungalow, lots of original detail, the previous owner has done some lovely restoration work.

[they step inside]

WOMAN: It's stunning, you really don't see many of these around here, and I've always wanted a place like this.

[heading down the stairs]

BOB: There's even a fully furnished basement - great for entertaining!

MARK: And - this is really neat - look at this! [raps wall with fist] The basement is fully soundproof! In fact, you might have seen this house on the news recently -

[quick cutaway, they're standing in front of a fourth house]

[Mark is sitting in the car with the windows cracked]

BOB: I do apologize for upsetting you again. We're going to work harder.

MARK [slightly muffled, from car]: You're going to see better results from us going forwa-

[the entire house falls into a sinkhole]

BOB: Well I don't think any of us could've seen that com-

[the sinkhole widens, swallowing Bob]

MAN: Maybe we should get one of those tiny houses.

WOMAN: Marie Kondo did say we should get rid of anything that doesn't bring us joy.

[they nod, and toss Kentucky and Oklahoma hats in the sinkhole as they walk away]

MARK: [faintly] do you have the keys it's getting hot in here