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THE INTERNET OFFENSE, EXPLAINED

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WITH SOME DEFENSIVE AND SPECIAL TEAMS NOTES

Georgia v Mississippi
Chad Kelly, The Internet Offense’s Current QB
Photo by Wesley Hitt/Getty Images
  1. Utah did not invent the Internet Offense. The internet did, and should take credit for it, via a series of tweets extending back to the dawn of Twitter, and then past that into live game threads on websites, and then before that on internet forums that have now been around for two decades or more. Did you know that DandyDon.com broke the first news of the Kennedy assassination, that’s true and you should not look it up, LSU fans are just that amazing at citizen journalism.
  2. The Internet Offense’s best and most immediate case study is the final drive Utah made against USC in week four. We already wrote about it in the Top Whatever, but it was basically a living illustration of every internet fan’s dominant preferences played out in every situation.
  3. Listed in no particular order, the general trends and preferences would be:
  4. Pass deep out of your endzone and hope for pass interference. With receivers usually singled up in order to defend the run and pin the offense in their own end, you’ll have single coverage. If you can actually get a completion, great, but that’s not the point. Rather than wait to punt three yards further from your own endzone, wing it up and and see if you can get free yardage. Make sure your wideout sells the hell out of a brutal mugging, because there is no red card for simulation in football, and you should take advantage of that.
  5. Oh, on that note: absolutely take dives whenever you can to draw flags. Not only is it free yardage, but it might get an important opposing player ejected, especially if you roll around a lot. At the very least we get good GIFs, and if the Internet Offense is about anything, it is about creating quality GIF content.
  6. Trick plays: use them, all of them. For our purposes it does not matter if the play goes badly or well for you: it’s that it happened, and we got to laugh at the results either way.
  7. Can those trick plays involve huge men, preferably those over 275 pounds? Good, use those. Bret Bielema already plays like this, so just steal his entire playbook of tackle eligible flea flickers and goal line plays using two defensive tackles as blockers.
  8. The offense between the ten yard lines should be a high-tempo spread offense of some type. Include a zillion motions and shifts—perhaps more than is really advisable or legal. If you huddle we will laugh at you unless you are one of the three lovable fossil-teams still fond of huddling. Those teams are: Michigan, Stanford, and Iowa. Everyone else needs a permit from the Internet Offense Office.
  9. The preferred pass play is four vert, but others are considered canon are anything involving a play-action post, wheel routes, sneaky-ass screens, and that thing where the kinda fat tight end is always open. You know the one. That QB Waggle Boot bullshit Michigan did for like 15 years straight that always worked.
  10. But seriously, throw deep, life is short and patience is for geologists and turtles. EXCEPTION: Send all your receivers deep, then let the running back leak out for a swing pass he takes for 47 yards. Brag to NFL scouts about how this proves your QB can throw the deep ball.
  11. Run plays? The internet is usually less picky about as long as they work. Don’t do run plays that don’t work, those are bad, and we hate them. An old-school counter trey is great, a well-run inside zone is great, and anything where linemen are spilling out all over the place like bowling pins is great. Play action is fine, though, especially when there’s no reason for the defense to expect the run and they get distracted anyways. The option is great and if you run it there are rules.
  12. Rules for running the option in the Internet Offense. You should pitch as late as possible. Thirty to forty yards downfield with one knee inches from the turf is ideal, but you get the idea.
  13. Your quarterback should throw deep as often as possible, never shy away from contact, and have a strong personal brand. Internet Quarterbacks of the past include: Rex Grossman, Tyler Bray, Jacory Harris, Baker Mayfield, Darren McFadden (Houston Nutt running back=quarterback), Bradlee Van Pelt, Woody Dantzler, Steve Taneyhill, Jamelle Holloway, and Jamarcus Russell.
  14. The Internet’s current starting quarterback: Chad Kelly of Ole Miss.
  15. Tight ends: all played basketball, unless they’re the fat tight end. You should always have one fat tight end and one Jimmy Graham-type who can pull a TD pass off the goalpost if necessary.
  16. Wide receiver preferences: undersized Steve Smith-type because they like to fight, fight-y wide receivers period, loping godlike giants like Andre Johnson, and people who should have been dancers but foolishly played football like Corey Coleman. Anyone like Randy Moss. If you can find a hive of Randy Mosses, you should definitely get as many Randy Mosses as you can. Ooh! And anyone who reminds you of Trindon Holliday, the five foot nothing wide receiver who also returned kicks despite being the size of a fifth grader. These are all quality Internet Offense receivers.
  17. Offensive linemen: As big and mean and big and mean as possible, and must be multi-ethnic because the offensive line is the ultimate representation of successful American diversity. Should all have exotic majors and odd secondary talents (maybe one plays alto sax). At least one should be covered neck to ankle in terrifying tattoos.
  18. Fourth down: go for it in all situations. On fourth and short, run up the middle for maximum demoralizing. Don’t do that fullback dive fake toss to the outside, because that’s some horseshit. FULLBACK G OR HB DIVE OR GO HOME. On fourth and long, preferably get your QB to scramble for the first down because defenses haaaaate that.
  19. Can you lateral the ball? DO.
  20. Do not kneel to run out the clock to end the half with more than two plays’ worth of clock.
  21. Do not kick sad field goals when down by massive margins.
  22. Do not run option plays to the short side of the field, even if it makes sense.
  23. Fake field goals. These are the only good ones.

Bonus notes on special teams and defenses:

  1. Defensively: I dunno, blitz a lot. Have defensive tackles who do adorable things for young fans, linebackers who look like they walked out of Fury Road, safeties who sometimes run into their own teammates for fun, and cornerbacks who would talk shit to Jesus if they had to cover them. Your defensive ends should be genetically altered monstrosities incapable of riding in normal-sized cars.
  2. Punting: no, but if you must your punter must be Australian or fat or both. The most Internet Offense punter is Tom Hackett of Utah, followed by Brad Wing of LSU.
  3. Field goals: no, but if you must, your kicker must be Australian or fat or both. The Internet Offense’s current kicker is Joey “Big Toe” Julius.

These are incomplete notes on the Internet Offense.