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LOOKS LIKE A DUCK

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LOOKING LIKE AN ANIMAL IS KIND OF THE WHOLE POINT OF FOOTBALL ISN’T IT

National Championship - Oregon v Ohio State Photo by Ronald Martinez/Getty Images

Gahhhh I’m so tired of Oregon’s uniform thing, they just change them every time and it’s such an old trick, it’s so tired and if I see one more useless variation I’m gonna—-

MY MAN IS OUT THERE LOOKING LIKE A GIANT DUCK. NOT JUST A REFERENCE TO A GIANT DUCK. NOPE. MY MAN AND HIS TEAM WILL TAKE THE FIELD LOOKING LIKE ACTUAL SIX TO SIX AND A HALF FOOT TALL DUCKS. THIS SOUNDS CUTE UNTIL YOU REALIZE HEY A SIX FOOT DUCK WOULD BE TERRIFYING AND NOT JUST A THING YOU LAUGH ABOUT ON THE INTERNET

BUT THEY LOOK GREAT AND THEY’RE PANTSLESS JUST LIKE THE DUCK, RECKLESS IN THEIR REFUSAL TO JOIN SOCIETY COMPLETELY AND CONFORM TO YOUR IDEA OF [HARD FINGER QUOTES] CIVILIZATION, MAN. [/END FINGER QUOTES]

THE SHIRT SAYS I’LL LOOK RESPECTABLE BEHIND THIS COUNTERTOP OR DESK. THE LACK OF PANTS SAYS THE PARTY NEVER STOPS EVEN WHEN I GOTTA WORK. THEY’RE MEAN AND TOUGH LIKE MY FOOTBALL TEAM OR A DUCK LOOKING AT YOU WITH A FISTFUL OF BREAD YOU AIN’T SHARING. WHY YOU AIN’T SHARING THAT BREAD MY DUDE? YOU WANT THAT I PUT HIS WEBBED FOOT IN YOUR ASS?

WHAT’S THAT? HOW MANY RUSHING YARDS DID WE GIVE UP TO NEBRASKA? YOU ASK WELL THAT’S A GREAT QUESTION AND I’LL TALK ABOUT THAT JUST AS SOON AS I—