THE FOUR MILLION DOLLAR MEN - WEEK 3

NICK SABAN

Why Saban shouldn’t get fired: During the Ole Miss game, I found myself thinking that Jalen Hurts didn’t really look that impressive and wondering if his limitations were going to bite Alabama at some point.

He’s currently fifth in the conference in total offense, and I am a moron. Assume Alabama will win the national title until they don’t.

Why Saban should get fired: Bama gave up 400 yards passing to an SEC opponent for the first time since the 2014 Iron Bowl. They also won that game, and this is your reminder that life is deeply unfair because even if you put up a ton of yards and points on the Tide, Alabama can still beat you in a shootout.

Firing chances (between 0 and 1): 0.0

GUS MALZAHN

Why Gus shouldn’t get fired: Will Muschamp up and bailed on Auburn after one season, and Gus still managed to put together a defense that’s only given up six touchdowns in three games. (Bama’s given up five, by comparison.) Sure, the offense has struggled mightily, but consider they’ve had to face a Brett Venables defense and a John Chavis defense. Mighty struggle is sort of their whole thing.

Why Gus should get fired: If he gets to the end of the regular season, Gus Malzahn will have coached as many games at Auburn as Gene Chizik did. He needs to win six of the last nine games to have a better winning percentage than Chizik. Assume Auburn beats ULM, Vanderbilt, and Alabama A&M, in part because if Auburn doesn’t win all three of those he’s gooooone. That means Auburn has to win three of the following:

LSU
@ Mississippi State
Arkansas
@ Ole Miss
@ Georgia
@ Alabama

You feel great about this Auburn team going .500 against that? I sure don’t.

Firing chances: 0.6

BRET BIELEMA

Why Bret shouldn’t get fired: The Razorbacks held Texas State to 105 yards on 56 plays and won 42-3. Austin Allen’s settling in nicely at quarterback. Everything is normal and fine at Arkansas, even though that’s inherently abnormal.

Why Bret should get fired: Due to weather concerns, Bielema agreed to shave five minutes off the fourth quarter. THAT’S HURTIN’ OUR STATS AND DEPRIVIN’ US CHANCES FOR TOUCHDOWNS AND SACKS IF I ONLY WANTED 55 MINUTES OF GOOD FOOTBALL I WOULDN’T HAVE FED THAT TONY ROMO JERSEY TO MY DOG.

Firing chances: 0.1

KEVIN SUMLIN

Why Sumlin shouldn’t get fired: A&M’s 3-0 and climbing the rankings.

Why Sumlin should get fired: That was also true of A&M in 2014. And 2015. In fact, Kevin Sumlin’s best final records in College Station have been when the Aggies lose one of their first three games. The man just doesn’t understand what it takes to succeed long term.

Firing chances: 0.1

LES MILES

Why Les shouldn’t get fired: If you look at everything in the box score except the final point total, you see LSU holding Mississippi State to 1 third down conversion on 14 tries and under two yards per rushing attempt. You also see Leonard Fournette averaging over five yards a touch and scoring twice.

Why Les should get fired: Right, the score thing. Les Miles nearly blew a 23-6 lead in the fourth quarter after Fournette fumbled with seven minutes to play and the following happened.

1. The Bulldogs scored a touchdown on a 2:40 drive.
2. They recovered the onside kick and scored again two plays later.
3. LSU went three and out, giving Mississippi State the ball back with 2:15 left and the Bulldogs needing but a field goal to tie the game.

The Tigers got the stop, but that’s still great work taking a Confidence Building Win and turning it into Aw Fuck This Boat Still Has Termites.

Firing chances: 0.5

DAN MULLEN

Why Mullen shouldn’t get fired: I mean, maybe Mississippi State’s allowed to have a down year. Maybe they’re allowed to rebuild and go through some growing pains, and maybe Dan Mullen’s allowed to lean on being the only coach to lead that program to six consecutive winning seasons since Allyn McKeen did it in the 40s. Maybe it’s better to be patient with someone who’s proven he can raise the team’s ceiling.

Why Mullen should get fired: South Alabama lost again. It’s going to be deeply hilarious if they finish the year 1-11 with the only win against Mississippi State. Though it’d be even better if they finish 2-10 with the only wins against Mississippi State and LSU.

Firing chances: 0.4

HUGH FREEZE

Why Freeze shouldn’t get fired: In theory blowing a huge lead (twice) is better than just getting stomped(twice)?

Why Freeze should get fired: Honestly, I don’t know if that’s true at all, given that I saw it happen to Florida and it suuuuuuuucked.

Firing chances: 0.6

TOTAL NUMBER OF SEC WEST COACHES DUE TO BE FIRED: 2.3. I’ll tell you this right now - the loser of LSU-Auburn is getting a 1 next week.