COLLEGE FOOTBALL RELEASES ITS MEDICAL RECORDS

PISTOL PETE, OKLAHOMA STATE

1. COMPRESSED CERVICAL VERTEBRAE. Pistol Pete has ignored repeated suggestions that he refrain from sleeping, bathing, and making love with his fiberglass head on. This has resulted in a compression and partial fusion of C3-C7, severely limiting Pete’s mobility and range of motion.
2. VITAMIN D DEFICIENCY. Though Pistol Pete is outdoors frequently, his skin is completely covered except for his hands, depriving him of the sunlight he needs to generate Vitamin D. This can be corrected with supplements or by occasionally wearing shorts and a tank top.
3. GUNSLINGER’S HIP. Though one would expect the adductor muscles on Pete’s right side to be larger than those on the left due to the additional weight of his eponymous weapon, they are in fact significantly smaller due to repeated accidental gunshot wounds to that leg. This is likely due to the fact that Pete can barely see what he’s doing with that ridiculous head on.

GARY PATTERSON

1. SWAMP NECK. He’s sweaty.
2. SCAPULAR EFFLUVIA. He’s real sweaty.
3. HELSINKI SAUNA BACK. That’s the point, he’s just unbelievably sweaty.
4. WEEPING HAND SYNDROME. See we don’t even know how he holds a playsheet without dropping it, so sweaty is Gary Patterson.
5. WOODEN LEG. It’s true, Gary Patterson has a wooden leg and hopefully it has been water-sealed.
6. FOOT-GILLS. It’s how he breathes, don’t be weird about them. Stop othering Gary Patterson for his foot-gills.

TRAVELER

1. SABERHOOF. When Ed Orgeron says in a meeting “WHUDDABOW WE PUDDASWORD ONDAT HAWSFOOT” and you think he’s joking, please hide the rubber cement all the same, because he’s probably serious.
2. CRACKED TOOTH. Suffered when Traveler bit Clay Helton’s clavicle during the 2013 loss to Washington State; we believe this was not out of anger but instead insistence that if the offense would be better off quarterbacked by a literal horse than Max Wittek.
3. MEDELLIN COAT. Traveler was a sorrel horse when he first got to USC.
4. TATTOO REMOVAL SCARRING. You can barely see the scar, but Traveler prefers to keep it covered all the same. He’s never disclosed what the tattoo actually depicted and, when pressed on the subject, only remarked that “a lot of mistakes were made on that Sun Bowl trip.”

MICHIGAN’S FAX MACHINE

1. WIRE SCARRING. The result of an incident this offseason in which a handful of crazed Rutgers fans tried to monitor this phone number by spending three hours trying to screw a keg tap into the line.
2. CHRONIC INSOMNIA. Ten days into his tenure, Jim Harbaugh attacked the fax machine with a paperweight, screaming “SLEEP IS FOR THE DEAD YOUR ONLY MODES SHOULD BE WINNING AND WINNING BIG.” The fax machine has stayed fully powered on ever since.
3. TORN ROTATOR MECHANISM. Suffered when an irate Dave Brandon posted the fax number on several Michigan message boards and dared fans to send him the resumes of more qualified athletic directors.
4. LACTOSE INTOLERANCE. Every week, an assistant would tell Brady Hoke this wasn’t a quesadilla maker. Every week, he’d forget and start dumping shredded cheese into it.

BIG RED

1. No clue
2. Just guessing, doctors didn’t recognize any of this shit and it kind of frightened them, if we’re being perfectly obvious.
3. This part started hissing and smoking and we all ran out of the operating room screaming.
4. If it has genitals we’re not gonna look, get this thing away from us, this ain’t River Monsters.