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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 9/13/16

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FREDDY P. SOFT IS REAL AND LIVES ON JIM HARBAUGH’S SHOULDER

Just swatting away invisible shoulder demons

LENIN IS A SLEEPER AT SAFETY, IMHO. Hi, Michigan.

They don’t provide depth charts in Ann Arbor, so...there you are. This is very gentle banter given what Colorado, even now in their current state, could theoretically trout out for this weekend’s game against the Wolverines.

LIKE WE SAID. Gentle nibbles, Colorado, are more than polite here. If this happened to our football team we would be mad about it for the rest of our goddamn lives.

OH COOL NEW UNIFORMS WE’RE DOOOOOOOMED. LSU is trotting out throwbacks golds for the Mississippi State game, so let’s all get ready to blame that just in case Mississippi State decides to make the University of South Alabama the third-place finisher in the SEC West by proxy. If they win, all credit to the embedded Sailor Mike logo right at the neck. Sailor Mike is our favorite because he’s a tiger, but he’s also a drunken navy man with rage issues and a serious gambling problem.

LET’S RELIVE VIRGINIA TECH GOING INTO THE WALL IN TURN THREE. Martin Rickman at the Battle of Bristol is mandatory:

At one point Larry is asked what the alcohol content is in one pint of the stout.

“I don’t know,” Ramsey chuckles. “But I’m afraid to find out.”

MIKE LEACH: APPARENTLY A MEMBER OF #TEAM MAD ONLINE OVER PARTICIPATION TROPHIES. Sure, Mike.

"I mean right now we have the atmosphere of a JC softball game," he said. "That's what we are: A JC softball team. It's not whether you win or lose, it's like the team that wins has the most fun. Crap like that. All this stuff that's contaminated America where they give a kid a trophy and they don't keep score in Little League anymore. I think that entire thing has retarded the competitive spirit in America. And I think we need to keep that in mind as coaches. We need to aggressively reinforce our points."

[ahem quietly whispering behind him] a jc football team might properly manage the clock at the end of a game with a timeout in pocket and :53 seconds on the board tho [flees scene]

THEY’RE LEARNING. Enjoy the local press just giving up on ever explaining anything Jim Harbaugh says at all, and just printing it and letting the world figure it out.

"He's a 4-inch guy that wears a cape and a hat with a plume in it and just tall enough to talk right into your ear and tell you that you don't have to practice today. 'Why are you working so hard? Get over there in the shade. No need to attack with enthusiasm unknown to mankind today. Take a break, take a knee.' He's not a guy you want around. You want to get him off your shoulder as fast as possible."

– Harbaugh when asked the identity of Freddy P. Soft.

It’s possible that Jim Harbaugh’s adrenal glands excrete a constant low dose of ayahuasca, or that there actually is a four-inch tall man who lives on his shoulder that only he can see. We would believe either of these things. P.S. Freddy P. Soft sounds a lot like the Virginia Cavaliers’ mascot, which would explain some things.

ETC: Blackrock, “Yeah, Yeah”