THE FOUR MILLION DOLLAR MEN: WEEK 2

NICK SABAN

Why Saban shouldn’t get fired: Bama’s 2-0, number 1 in the nation, has the SEC’s second-ranked offense and second-ranked defense on a yards per play basis, seems to have a perfectly fine solution at quarterback, and so on and so forth. To the extent Alabama has any flaws right now, they are on the level of “ugh, the kerning on ‘DEATH STAYS UNDEFEATED’ is so sloppy on the side of this F-18.”

Why Saban should get fired: If you accept that Nick Saban is the sharpest mind in college football, and Nick Saban’s still incredibly unhappy with what Alabama’s doing on the field, you’re suggesting you know more about this sport if you say Nick Saban’s doing a good job. You’re not smarter than Nick Saban, are you? Of course not.

Firing chances (between 0 and 1): 0.2. Wheels are coming off, man. I think the Tide will be forced to make a change at the top after an embarrassing 17 point win against Texas A&M in Week 8.

GUS MALZAHN

Why Gus shouldn’t get fired: Hey, remember how the offense was a jumbled mess last week and Gus Malzahn was rotating quarterbacks like a high schooler who couldn’t decide what to wear on a first date? Sean White took every snap and Auburn rolled up 700 yards of offense against Arkansas State.

Why Gus should get fired: Troy put up 24 points against Clemson. That’s almost twice what Auburn did, and Troy had to play on the road. You telling me Troy on the road is twice as good as Clemson at home WELL THAT’S A GODDAMN PROBLEM NOW ISN’T IT.

Firing chances: 0.3

BRET BIELEMA

Why Bret shouldn’t get fired: Arkansas blew a 13 point lead in the fourth quarter, but shook it off to send the game to overtime and grab a major early season win on the road against a ranked opponent.

Why Bret should get fired: This is only the second time Arkansas has started 2-0 under Bret Bielema. The first time was 2013. That team finished 3-9. Razorback football should be low and slow so it can peak in November. Bielema’s got this team in the oven at 450. They’re definitely gonna dry out at that rate.

Firing chances: 0.2

KEVIN SUMLIN

Why Sumlin shouldn’t get fired: Prairie View is nobody’s idea of a meaningful test, but 67-0 is still 67-0.

Why Sumlin should get fired: The Aggies converted half of their third downs, which means on the other half, Prairie View got the stop. Texas A&M also lost the turnover battle in this game two to one. Am I grasping at the smallest possible straws here? Absolutely, but if A&M loses to Auburn this week I can tell you the signs were there all along and only I was wise enough to spot them.

Firing chances: 0.2

LES MILES

Why Les shouldn’t get fired: LSU found a quarterback!

Why Les should get fired: The quarterback is a Purdue transfer who completed 42.8% of his passes and threw one touchdown and one interception against Jacksonville State. LSU fans are currently celebrating the fact that their car only leaks oil now, whereas before it leaked oil and massive unexplained quantities of bone marrow.

Firing chances: 0.5

DAN MULLEN

Why Mullen shouldn’t get fired: Mississippi State comfortably beat South Carolina to open SEC play, and quarterback Nick Fitzgerald looked much better after getting benched two series into the loss to South Alabama.

Why Mullen should get fired: South Alabama turned around and lost to Georgia Southern (SHUT IT I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED IN 2013). If Georgia Southern loses to Louisiana-Monroe this week, and ULM loses to Idaho a couple weeks after that, then Dan Mullen has a transitive loss to Paul Petrino.

Paul. Petrino.

Firing chances: 0.4

HUGH FREEZE

Why Freeze shouldn’t get fired: Ole Miss didn’t blow a double digit lead at halftime this week, which definitively proves that Wofford is not as good as Florida State.

Why Freeze should get fired: Hugh Freeze shares a birthday with Meat Loaf, and yet

Firing chances: 0.4

TOTAL NUMBER OF SEC WEST COACHES DUE TO BE FIRED: 2.2, a big drop from last week’s number.