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STEVE ADDAZIO TEACHES YOU HOW TO HUNT DUDES

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IT’S NOT A ROMANTIC THING, UNLESS YOU WANT IT TO BE

New Era Pinstripe Bowl - Boston College v Penn State Photo by Alex Goodlett/Getty Images

You may think Steve Addazio is the head football coach for Boston College. That’s how he’s listed on the BC payroll, but that title does not accurately describe his actual focus. (Granted, you may have guessed that simply by watching Boston College on offense last year.)

So no, Steve Addazio is not a head coach. He is...a DUDEHUNTER. And these are the best ways he finds his prey.

IDENTIFYING A DUDE

Many people mistakenly assume that all Dudes are male when this isn’t the case. Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2, for example, is a classic example of a Dude. Bonnie Raitt is definitely a Dude, as is golfer Nancy Lopez. Have you even read The Lottery? Shirley Jackson is FOR SURE a Dude.

In fact, you don’t even need to be human. Fire station dalmatians are often Dudes. So are really tasty rotisserie chickens. Any public park basketball rim that doesn’t have a net on it? That’s a Dude. Rick Steves travel guides are Dudes. (Rick Steves himself is not.)

WHERE CAN DUDES BE FOUND

Dudes can be anywhere! Sure, there are the stereotypical places you can stake out -- gyms, Five Guys, docks, carpet supply wholesalers, U-Haul rental locations — but some of the best Dudes turn up in unexpected places. Take that person you see doing all of their grocery shopping at Bed Bath & Beyond because why make two separate trips even though they originally came in here to buy a silverware caddy. That’s a Dude! But the guy at the bowling alley complaining about the pin resetter? Woof, not a Dude at all. That’s a situation where a Dude pulls out the Leatherman, wiggles under the setter, and gets to fixing it, whether or not the manager said it’s okay.

HOW TO LURE A DUDE

Dudes love the three H’s:

  • hard work
  • hot lunch
  • hosin’ off

Once you have located a Dude, post a sign that says “AMATEUR ROOFERS NEEDED - $17/HOUR + CORNED BEEF SANDWICHES + OUTDOOR SHOWER.” Within a few hours, you’ll have more dudes than you know what to do with.

THE NUMBER ONE RULE OF DUDEHUNTING

It takes a Dude to hunt a Dude. But that means while you’re searching for prey, some other Dude may be trying to hunt you. Stay vigilant, and keep your own corned beef sandwich on you at all times to avoid temptation.