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PAUL JOHNSON IS YOUR NEW ATHLETIC DIRECTOR

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WE GOTTA MAKE SOME CUTS, AND PAUL’S GOT AN AXE

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Rugged individualist, opera fan, and triple-option football coach Paul Johnson has been awarded the Athletics Director job at Georgia Tech after the recent departure of their standing AD to Purdue. The first is a thing that has not happened yet; the second, well, that actually just happened.

Okay, listen, if I’m running this we need to cut a few things in this budget. I don’t know what kind of shop y’all were running here before. Paul’s in charge now. I lived through a mountain winter off five packs of sterno and two boxes of Bisquick and a bucket of shine. It didn’t have a lid on it. I just sat on it to keep my cabin-mates from drinking it. My cabin-mates were bobcats. They usually were. Drunkards, every one of them.

Concessions. I’ll grill on the sidelines. It’s a Weber. It’ll be fine. Burgers’ll cost two dollars.

If you want ketchup on it, that’s not my problem. If you want mustard on it, that’s not my problem either. If you want ketchup AND mustard on it? That’s two problems, which is two more problems of yours that aren’t mine. Any problems greater than zero are yours. That’s the only math I need here.

Bring your own ketchup if you don’t like it. Turn yourself into a walking concession stand cozy. Let the ants follow you around. I’m not here to tell you anything about getting or not getting ants. You get as many ants as you like, ketchup man. Let that be a highlight of your year, not mine, ant guy.

And no, you can’t get any of that side hustle. PJ keeps 100% of the meat money. Try me and taste crowbar. And don’t ask where I get the meat. That’s between me and the meat.

If someone wants water we got a hose.

Landscaping: I’ll mow the grass. That’s easy. Why haven’t we been doing that for years? Me and the Snapper can get that into shape in 45 minutes, tops. It’s a push mower because sitting is for peeing ladies and good approach shots on the golf course.

Marketing: I don’t know what marketing is and don’t care for the sound of it. That’s gone. You want people in the stadium? That’s a personal problem. You crave the approval of others. I’m just trying to balance this budget. Football’s about who wants it more, not who wants to watch it more. If there’s no one in the stands, well, great. It makes coaching easier. Players can hear me from the sidelines. No distractions. Look at Stanford. They’re great, and you can hear a pin drop at their games. I don’t think that’s coincidence, and don’t care if you do or don’t. Let’s get fewer people at games and I save money on all those hamburgers I’m gonna have to be cooking on the sideline.

Payroll: Here’s a list of sports that don’t need coaches, and all the advice they need:

  • basketball: just shoot it
  • volleyball: hit it until it touches the ground
  • track: run faster, that’s not hard
  • swimming: paddle faster
  • baseball: catch it in the field, hit it at the plate, run hard in between
  • football: AN INTRICATE MYSTERY YOU NEED A MILLIONAIRE TO FIGURE OUT

Other administration: Just cut them and route all calls to my phone.

[Paul Johnson takes his phone and theatrically throws it into the middle of the I-75-85 connector]

MBA degrees are a scam.

Parking: just charge people to park on the football field. Anytime, any spot they can get. I’ll be out there at six in the morning with one of them orange flags waving people in. They can block each other in, that ain’t my problem.

What? The grass’ll be fine. Y’all act like it’s white carpet at your auntie’s. Horses run on it.

Insurance: Well, if you do things the right way, you’ll never need it, right? Right. You got a problem after that, you take it up with God. He’ll see you sometime in the next fifty to eighty years. Maybe sooner.

We can’t just talk. We got to live it. All these partnerships send the wrong message.

This is how it should be:

Our official grocery store is Aldi.

Our official car is MARTA, or maybe God’s mass transit: your own damn feet.

Our official sports drink is water. It comes out of the tap, if you trust the government water, or a well you dig in your back yard without checking with the city if you don’t.

Our official airline is Greyhound.

Our official delivery provider is...UPS? Our official delivery provider is now your own damn self, I can’t believe you’re too lazy to carry a box out of a car yourself.

Our official cooler is a bag of ice and a city of Atlanta recycling bin. It’s fine. It works just fine.

We’re announcing an apparel deal with Goodwill.