A MESSAGE TO BOSTON COLLEGE FROM THE GHOST OF HARAMBE

Dear Boston College Football,

I was playing Risk with Keiko the orca and Knut the polar bear in Famous Zoo Animal Heaven — all the animals here have opposable thumbs, which is reality-changing for Keiko and Knut but for me it’s like, um, why do I not get some kind of cool upgrade — when I heard that your quarterback has decided to dedicate this season to my memory.

With respect, I would like to decline that offer.

Now, I’m aware that comes off as extremely ungrateful. What kind of snooty dead gorilla turns his nose up at this kind of tribute? A week before my demise, I would’ve said the same thing. But now I’ve got every frat boy, amateur Twitter comedian, and Bonnaroo mushroom dealer making shirts and banners with my face and name on it. (Yes, I’m aware those are all the same people.) And it’s honestly just a LOT.

There were always going to be jokes; it’s the easiest way for people to talk about a death that brings up a lot of contentious arguments about animals in captivity and parenting, and who doesn’t enjoy a good song parody? “Shot through the heart / and the zoo claimed / You’d kill that kid / Harambe”

But can’t you just move on? Once we let the dude who went 10 for 26 in a loss to Vanderbilt (who’s since transferred to the team that threw for half as many yards as fucking KANSAS) honor me, isn’t that the clearest possible symbol that the joke’s gone on too long? Am I supposed to look forward to Topsy the Elephant texting me some random Saturday afternoon to tell me that Tom Luginbill mentioned me at halftime of an ACC game Boston College is losing by thirty?

You know how this is going to go. BC will have the ball at midfield with a minute to play, down by four, and Towles is going to throw just an absolute backbreaker of an interception. The kind of pick that makes you wonder not if the quarterback knew where the receiver was going but if he was even aware that the receiver existed in the same physical realm. And some dickbag color commentary guy is gonna say, “well, I bet ole Harambe wishes he’d gotten to face a shotgun that misfired that badly!”

Asshole.

Sincerely,

The Ghost of Harambe, Zoo Gorilla Famous Only In Death