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LOOK WHO'S RANKING TOO

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A CORGI'S TOP 25, AN INEXPLICABLE TRADITION IN A SPORT FULL OF THEM

actioncookbook: Well, it's time for another season of college football, and you know what that means - the annu-

[annoyed dog voice from under the bed]: I'm not doing it this year

actioncookbook: what are you talking about?

[dog voice]: it's stupid and doesn't make any sense

actioncookbook: [whispering] yeah that's [crouching down to see under bed] that's sorta what we do here c'mon Holly just play along

Holly, the Corgi Who Occasionally Ranks College Football Teams For Some Reason: [pokes out from under bed] Alright, out with it. What's your game here. Why do you care so much?

actioncookbook: [whispering nervously] Holly my posts have been trash all summer, c'mon. I need to keep this job. We're having another kid soon, and-

Holly: you're...

... you're what?

actioncookbook: yeah had you not noticed the new crib

Holly: I stay out of that room there's a balloon in there

actioncookbook: you're getting a little si-

Holly: the end of that sentence better be a "little sirloin" you son of a bitch

actioncookbook: let's not resort to name-calling again, I know we've had our disagreeme-

Holly: lookin' like the fourth family member on Family Feud

actioncookbook: ...

Holly: y'know the nephew who isn't smart *or* attractive but the rest of the family felt bad and brought him

actioncookbook: please don't do this again

Holly: lookin' like you made your fortune in daily fantasy sports last year and blew it all on new khakis

actioncookbook: please stop roasting me

Holly: didn't know baby Gap had an adult section. Those pants come with a bib?

actioncookbook: can we please just rank some teams

Holly: Mr. Wears a Shooting Sleeve To The Gym But Only Uses The Elliptical lookin'-ass-chump

actioncookbook: it's a circulation thing

Holly: lookin' like a guy who comments on news articles logged in under his own name

actioncookbook: stop

Holly: here hold up this fish and tell me what you think about amateur sports

actioncookbook: ...I'll give you the last slice of pizza in the fridge

Holly: ... alright, let's rank.

25.) San Diego State

I really liked what I saw from this team last year. They looked great in their bowl game. Didn't they, Weekend Weatherman-lookin' ass face? Did you happen to see that bowl game?

actioncookbook: this is mean

Holly: no but good luck in the Big 12 you'll do great, I'm sure they'll pick you once they remember that performance

actioncookbook: I'm just going to leave the room

24.) Florida

Hey, they had a nice resurgence in the first year under Jim McElwain. And let's ignore the Florida State game. Sometimes two is all you need.

But no seriously, it's not enough against Florida State.

23.) Baylor

They're really in the weeds this year.

22.) USC

I love these guys. Love seeing a California team get a lot of buzz and then fall flat.

Reminds me of when the Golden State Warriors won 73 games and then blew a 3-1 lead in the NBA Finals despite having the league MVP.

21.) Oklahoma State

They always feel like they're knocking on the door, but then they always seem to end up on the outside.

20.) Oregon

You know what'll finally get you over that championship hump? Brady Hoke!

19.) Georgia

A lot of people have questioned the logic of upsetting the relative stability of the Mark Richt Era for the unproven-as-a-head-coach quantity of Kirby Smart, but after all these years of the Richt hot seat, I think it's a refreshing change.

18.) Houston

Tom Herman's team's was a big success last year, but can they take that next step? The Playoff Committee's created some barriers for Group of Five teams to make the championship, but I believe in the little guy. I think they can scale that wall if a few things go right.

17.) Iowa

The Big Ten West is winnable every year, and I'm staying on the Hawkeye bandwagon. Especially early in the season. It's too hot to walk home. Or to believe in Nebraska.

16.) Tennessee

Yeah, they're everyone's favorite for the SEC East this year. I'll believe it when I see some results, because right now all you're showing me is hype. I've got magazine covers, too, pal. Beat Florida, then we'll talk.

15.) North Carolina

Me watching North Carolina's offense last year:

14.) UCLA

Me watching UCLA close out last season:

13.) Ole Miss

Boy, it wasn't the best offseason for this program. But I think all that bad press and negativity's going to motivate them, I think they're gonna come out swinging this year, and they're always ready to trip up one of the big dogs.

12.) Michigan State

For all their success in the Dantonio years, they never seem to be at the forefront of anyone's imagination. They're there, though. Lurking. Hungry. Waiting.

11.) Notre Dame

I... I don't care

10.) TCU

Frogs?

Sounds delicious.

9.) Louisville

Do I have them ranked higher than a lot of people? Sure, but I think there's a lot to like, considering Petrino's had some time to get his system installed, Lamar Jackson's got tons of upside-

and, uh, Lamar Jackson, um...

please get me away they have horses

I don't like horses

8.) Washington

Again, a little high? Maybe. But maybe I want to see a Husky succeed.

How you doin', Huskies? Got plans after the game?

7.) Stanford

Sure, I'll bark up that tree.

6.) Florida State

Can they sort out the quarterback situation well enough to let the defense carry them to the playoff?

Sometimes all you need is someone who can hold on steadily while others drive.

5.) Ohio State

They lost a ton of talent to the NFL Draft this offseason, possibly more than any team ever has. But when you've got Urban Meyer at the top, your plate's never empty. Just be patient, stay hungry, and something good's coming your way soon.

4.) LSU

Here's my impression of someone who just tried to tackle Leonard Fournette:

3.) Alabama

That's right, I'm getting tricky with things here. Yeah, they're the defending champion. Yeah, there's no real reason to believe they've fallen off. Yeah, they're probably gonna end up on top again. It's just not any fun to pick them #1. Also, I'm a dog. I'm not accountable for any of this.

2.) Oklahoma

I'm all in on Baker Mayfield this year, and I don't think the rest of the Big 12 presents any legitimate threat to Oklahoma's run at a conference title this year. In fact, they've shown themselves to be a forward-thinking program, lobbying their fellow members to boost the conference's strength by inviting Cincinnati to join the- HEY GET AWAY FROM THE KEYBOARD BARK BARK BARK

actioncookbook: sorry sorry I saw you were distracted

Holly: GO GET MY BALL OUT FROM UNDER THE DRESSER AND LET ME FINISH

Ugh. Anyways, that leaves only one team, you guessed it:

1.) Clemson

I hope Deshaun Watson blows the doors off this season, dominates the field, wins the Heisman, and the Cleveland Browns find a way not to get the #1 draft pick.

Anyways, that's all the top 25 teams, and...

actioncookbook: hey, um, Holly

Holly: yes, Dollar Store Tim Daly?

actioncookbook: um, you seem to have conspicuously omitted a team that a lot of people have ranked very highly this year

Holly: oh did I

actioncookbook: yeah the one that happens to make up a large, vocal, and perpetually-aggrieved section of our readership

Holly: no idea who you're talking about

anyways good luck with the blog

... ya postin'-articles-in-earnest-on-LinkedIn lookin' face ass.