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THE SEASON APPROACHES, GET THEE TO A FRANCOPHONE SPEAKER OF SOME SORT. Bless you, American State With The Biggest French Heritage And The Pronunciation Guide To Show It.

Remember, inside the extra vowels and random x’s? PURE CAJUN AND CREOLE SPICE.

THE BEST OPENING WEEKEND EVER (THAT YOU CAN REMEMBER WITHOUT LOOKING UP BETTER ACTUAL OPENING WEEKENDS.) Do not misunderstand us: it’s great, and may not be the best ever, but facts aren’t much use in the present when that present holds no football, and the weekend ahead holds at least eight games of national interest. Best part: we will forget that any of them happened in November, when one team that suffers a disastrous loss this weekend has its shit together and is ranked in the top ten and gunning for a playoff spot.

THE JIM HARBAUGH COMES WITH TWO GEARS: 12TH, AND REVERSE. Let Jim Harbaugh be a warning to you as a college football coach: you probably shouldn’t answer any questions about the fine delineations between patriotism and jingoism, or about protest in the public space. You have been watching film for two months straight in a dark room! Keep it to 4-3 over fronts versus zone blocking schemes and you’ll be fine.

WHAT COULD HAPPEN. USC’s starting left tackle will be making only his third start against Alabama, so if you want to watch a story of human triumph or human failure or a little of both just watch that matchup all day.

HOW DID YOU SEPARATE YOUR SHOULDER, QUARTERBACK. Just trucking a dude from a hated rival, that’s all.

ETC: Who decided to ever let David Foster Wallace onto a movie set, and how soon did they lose their job after this was published?