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NCAA Football: Miami at Florida State Phil Sears-USA TODAY Sports

GOOD MORNING. Since Cal’s victory over Hawaii (a result which I, a vociferous Stanford fan, approve because it improves Stanford’s strength of schedule in that Cal may now finish 3-9 instead of 2-10) officially broke the seal on this year’s college football season, the Curious Index has risen from its offseason slumber. Let us begin by

TALKIN’ BOUT THE NOLES. Specifically, their strength coach, Vic Valoria, who blew a .124 and was arrested for DUI and property damage early Saturday morning. Valoria told police he was coming from his office, where he’d been drinking multiple “big” alcoholic beverage. That seems bad and fairly unhealthy! We have no jokes to offer here, because Bunkie already made the best one.

IT’S ALL ABOUT THE WHO. Will start instead of defensive end Al-Quadin Muhammad and linebacker Jermaine Grace, who are no longer part of the Miami roster due to NCAA rules violations. The pro if you’re a Canes fan: Miami says no staff members or boosters were part of the improper conduct, and the football program won’t be subject to additional sanctions after consulting with the NCAA. The con: OH NOW MIAMI IS WORKING WITH THE NATIONAL CANES ANNIHILATION ASSOCIATION WHAT’S NEXT YOU’RE GONNA TELL THE BUILDING COMMISSION THAT THE STADIUM RENOVATIONS INCLUDE A SPECIAL HIDDEN ROOM HOUSING JEREMY SHOCKEY’S NEW ORGY/SKEEBALL BUSINESS, FUCK E. CHEESE?

APPARENTLY THIS IS AN ALL ACC CI? Duke lost starting quarterback Thomas Sirk for the season to an aggravated Achilles tendon injury, and this is a reminder that the medical community is a bunch of dicks because they named a part of your body after a mythical hero who died because he didn’t wear Doc Martens. Way to be negative, medicine.

QUESTION. Do you think Rich Rod is wearing underwear underneath this gladiator costume? Don’t answer that. Just think about it.

ETC. This is your regular reminder: please don’t click on or tweet bad articles from people who write them, in part, so people will click on or tweet them simply because they are bad articles. These writers do not think you’re smart enough to grasp complex issues and rely on your frustration to bolster their paper-thin arguments. Just go for a walk or something; they’re not interested in having a serious or thoughtful conversation with you.