THE SAME KIND OF DINGUS AS ME

Perhaps you've seen the trailers for the upcoming film The Same Kind of Different As Me, a movie that manages to look worse than that title makes it sound. Here, watch for yourself, I implore you!

I won't belabor the issues with the movie itself, when The Guardian and others have already dissected it better than I ever could. (Summary: good god, it's bad.)

I'm here to help. See, Paramount, you've got a dud on your hands. No Brad Paisley soundtrack is going to save this. No performances by Academy Award Winner (really?) Renee Zellweger (I'm gonna trust you on that one) or Academy Award Nominee (FFS, really!?) Greg Kinnear (I'm looking that up) (oh right As Good As It Gets nah that movie blew) is going to save your film.

See, the thing is, you should've taken the key lessons from the success of The Blind Side. First, have Ed Orgeron in your movie. Historically, 100% of movies featuring Ed Orgeron have been Best Picture nominees. Second, if Ed Orgeron's not available, just make the movie about football anyways. If you want to have a treacly piece of dogshit with some actors putting on bad Southern accents so they can redeem the less-fortunate, you gotta wrap it in football.

"But we already have this script, and it's not at all about football!", you, the producer of this film, say.

Pish-posh. We can fix that. The words are pretty general, you just need to re-shoot with different actors interpreting them in a new way. It's like how Baz Luhrmann took that crappy old Shakespeare book about horny teens and made it into a badass movie where John Leguizamo stabs a guy in the future or something.

Here, watch. I've got a storyline ready to go. I'll just run through your script with my cast.

"I had another dream last night."

"Was it a good one, or was it about me?"

"It was about a poor wise man who changes the city... and I saw his face."

"I've got a sales call at 6:30, I've gotta drop off contracts north of town."

"No you don't."

"Any infectious diseases floating around this place that I should know about?"

"(They) told me about your friend. If you don't tell (Bill Battle) I will."

"We don't share the same life! We don't share... ANYTHING!"

"You can leave. You choose."

"RAAAAAAARGH"

"HEY!"

"We have to talk to him. That's the man from my dream!"

"What's your name?"

"You don't need to know my name."

"Well, I'd like to know your name."

"Tell your (woman) to stop bothering me."

"It'd be doing me a big favor to just... be nicer?"

"You wanna be my friend?"

"Uh-huh."

"Well, I'm gon' have to think about that."

"Can't figure out why he'd wanna know me... done some bad things."

"You're not a bad man... and I'm glad we're friends."

"Pretty (sexy) what you did today."

"Hanging out with (Charlie Weis)?"

"How was it?"

"Actually, it was... kind of amazing."

"He's the only person to love you enough not to give up."

"I love you, Ronnie Ray."

"Whether we is rich, or poor, we is all homeless... just workin' our way back home."

"He changed everything."

"Our lives together will never be this beautiful."

"I, along with most of the other members, have a problem with you bringing your friend around."

"You can tell him that yourself, he's standing right there."