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SONNY DYKES AIRS HIS GRIEVANCES WITH AUSTRALIA

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FIRST THING, HOW THE HELL IS THIS PLACE SO FAR AWAY.

Stanford v California Photo by Ezra Shaw/Getty Images

Cal football has traveled across the world to open their 2016 season in Australia against Hawaii. It’s an incredibly unnecessary trip for both teams. Football coaches are creatures of extreme habit, and having to drag a team across the world to prep for a game of no importance has to piss them off royally. Already in a grumpy mood, Cal head coach Sonny Dykes is here to tell us what he really thinks of Australia.

Vegemite? I thought I left this Soylent shit in Berkeley.

You mean to tell me this game is happening on a different galdang day than it is back home? I don't know why everyone doesn't just go with Central Time and be done with it.

There's more stuff here that can kill you than my grandpa’s shed. I'm not mad about that, I actually really respect it and it might be the thing I like best about this place.

People say these boomerangs are supposed to come back to you when you throw them, but it works less often than the kids who walk around campus back home with no shoes on.

I mean, I like Paul Hogan too, but y’all need to get it together.

Rugby looks real tough, I guess, but I’ll run up the score by throwing slants every play. Don’t like it? Stop it, then. Do you guys even have coaches here?

Y’all got bugs big enough to vote and drive a car, but not big enough to be a decent wide receiver. This place is a nightmare.

Y’all don’t actually drink those enormous damn beer cans, which means we’ve all been lied to for decades. What else from my childhood is a lie?

So, you’re trying to tell me that dog I saw earlier today is actually a wild animal? And it’s called a dingo? I’ve accepted a lot of funny sounding nonsense since I walked off that plane, but that dog looks more like my Daddy’s old hound Mitch than a wild animal.

Let me tell you about the first time I got bit by a snake. I was playing behind my daddy’s garage and lifted an old tire that had been laying there for at least as long as I’d been alive. Lo and goddamn behold, a rattler was in there and quickly got to making a racket. I don’t think I’ve ever moved so fast, and I count my lucky stars that snake missed when he lunged at me. Now, I stepped on a garden snake running around the corner and that little bastard got me in the ankle. I didn’t cry because I didn’t want my daddy to make fun of me. This doesn’t have anything to do with Australia. Y’all have a lot of snakes though.