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THE FOUR FUTURE STAGES OF MIKE GUNDY’S MULLET

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PREDICTING THE FUTURE OF COLLEGE FOOTBALL’S MOST PARTYIN’ COACH HAIR

NCAA Football: Big 12 Media Day Kevin Jairaj-USA TODAY Sports
  1. This is Mike Gundy’s mullet today; he self-describes it as “at the 80s stage....heading toward the 70s.” Oklahoma State Mason Rudolph wants him to keep growing it out.

2. This is what Mike Gundy’s mullet might look like in two or three weeks. Still playful, still funny, but manageable. The hair is still within the boundaries of general professionalism and presentability.

3. Given another three or four weeks beyond that stage, Mike Gundy’s mullet will reach full Legionnaire Hat status. Over time, the skin on his nape will become more and more pale, like the part of a carpet with an entertainment center over it for twelve years. This hair is only welcome at church services that use new, acoustic guitar-heavy hymns.

4. Then, Mike Gundy’s mullet will hit a point of no return, an accelerated growth point which will transform him from coach having some fun in the offseason into Lorenzo Lamas body double in a straight-to-VHS sex thriller. The title of this film is BUCKWILD, and Coach Gundy is needed on set for one day but winds up hanging around for five. He and Lorenzo form a lasting friendship that is only dissolved when the business they invest in together goes belly up.

Tequila bars at highway rest stops? Why did you ever think that was a good idea?