(late afternoon in the Temple Athletics Department offices)
TEMPLE AD PATRICK KRAFT: So, yes, I'd say we all feel really good about the direction Matt Rhule's leading this team, and I wouldn't be surprised to see him beat Penn St-(the phone rings) I'm so sorry, will you excuse me for just one second?
LOCAL SPORTSWRITER: No problem. I can wait outside if you want.
KRAFT: (holding hand over phone) Oh, this won't take but a second. (into phone) Hello, Commissioner Bowlsby! I'm sorry I haven't returned the fifteen missed calls, things are just so busy this time of year with fall right around the corner. Well, as I said when we went out for that fancy steak dinner that I paid for no problem, Temple would certainly be open to discussing a move to the Big 12. What's that? You'd kick out both Kansas schools and force Iowa State to change its name to Temple Regional Practice Facility University? That's very generous, Bob, but we really do have to make sure it's the right fit for us. Mhmm. Yes, we'll talk soon. Take care!
SPORTSWRITER: Hold on, did Bob Bowlsby just invite Temple to join the Big 12?
KRAFT: Now that's premature and merely a rumor, and I can't comment on it either way if you write about it or tweet it.
(Kraft's assistant Terry enters the office, holding a very large Edible Arrangement)
TERRY: These just arrived for you, sir.
KRAFT: Thank you, Terry. Ah, it's from Dabo Swinney, Mark Richt, and Jimbo Fisher! "The only thing sweeter than these strawberries would be Temple joining us in the ACC." Ha, these guys! They send one of these a week, and every time they come up with a new clever little message. I think my favorite was "If you like piña coladas / And a win over Wake."
SPORTSWRITER: I really think I need to call my editor.
KRAFT: What, over fruit? Listen, I am NOT on the record as saying that the ACC has told us we have an open spot whenever we want and they'll sell Boston College off to the CFL to make it happen. I'm just not. Anyways, that's all way down the road, if it even happens, and you came here to talk about this season. Frankly, Army's a great opponent for us in Week 1.
SPORTSWRITER: Look, if Temple's about to jump to a Power 5 conference, my readers are going to care about that a lot more th-
(Sparky the Sun Devil bursts through the door)
KRAFT: Sparky! I told you, Temple is not joining the Pac-12 no matter how much you beg!
SPARKY: (muffled grunting)
KRAFT: No! Guaranteeing us a set number of five star recruits from California would be immoral and a gross violation of NCAA rules. Frankly, it's embarrassing that you'd even stoop to that level, and Temple will have no part of those sorts of shenanigans.
SPORTSWRITER: Is...is he okay?
(Sparky takes off the headpiece, revealing himself to be Terry)
KRAFT: DAMMIT TERRY I TOLD YOU DISNEYLAND RULES, YOU KEEP THE COSTUME ON AT ALL TIMES TO MAINTAIN THE ILLUSION
SPORTSWRITER: Yeah, I'm going to go.
KRAFT: NO WAIT I'M GETTING A FAX FROM SEC HEADQUARTERS THEY'RE GOING TO GIVE US KENTUCKY'S SPOT