This weekend, bright-eyed incoming freshmen will move into dormitories all over the country. Their parents will lug beds-in-a-bag and sparkling new microwaves up stairs and pretend to be impressed by the accommodations. “Look, it has a shared bathroom! Teenagers will definitely keep this neat and tidy!”
We did this, once. Granted, it was before the iPhone was invented. It was also before the iPod was invented. We’re very old and we make dipshit joke posts to keep our minds from acknowledging the rising tidewaters of time, coming to drown us.
Anyways! These students and their families will buy a LOT of shit, because a list — like this one Florida gives out — told them to. A lot of these items will never be used, or will be vomited upon or otherwise rendered unusable within a month. We’re going to help you figure out which things you can skip purchasing.
Stapler: lol, sure, like you’re gonna have papers you don’t immediately throw out or stack into your own personal midden on your hovel-desk. No one uses papers, it’s all on your computers, and if you need a stapler you can just steal one from the Architecture Lab because the doors are always open and everyone’s too sleep-deprived to notice the theft.
Pencil Sharpener: Don’t buy this, someone’s going to get drunk and try to stick their dick in it.
Hole Punch. Mash your papers through the three-ring binder, no one’s looking or cares. But my holes must be straight and perfect! Oh, cool, look, it’s the guy who’ll ruin his suitemate by the seventh week of the year and force him to lead a cave shrimp’s existence in between muffled cries for help. If someone has a three ring hole punch they went and bought themselves, they are a captivity-obsessed psychopath.
Paper. Again, just steal it, this is 2016 and property is a lie spread by the oligarch class. Also everyone has computers, and doesn’t need to fake excellence through unnecessary organization, great calligraphy, and neat clothing. If you have a professor who insists on receiving an actual printed paper, drop their class, they have nothing to teach you about life.
Required Computer. Porn, sure. Get the “all-replacement, anytime, for any reason, no questions asked even if you destroyed it with a hammer in a drunken fit one cold night in February.” Because you will do this; because if you do not, your roommate, who is surely an idiot if you are not, will do this at 2 a.m. because “IT’S LIT.”
Backpack. We don’t mean to bring real advice into this, but bring like, three of them. You’ll lose all three, but that hopefully takes longer than it will take you to just lose one. If anyone asks you why you have three backpacks, reply “because my victims don’t need them anymore.”
Pens & Pencils & Highlighters. True fact, if you really cared, you’d highlight the whole book, wouldn’t you?
Post-It Flags. I don’t even know what these are.
Scissors. Sharp objects in close living situations are good, yes, especially in an open carry state. Even better if you have a random roommate! Housing absolutely puts a lot of thought into the psychology of these pairings.
Tape. Does college have an arts and crafts period now and does it come before or after recess and enrichment, these young people are going to be educated not make construction paper rockets*
*University of Tennessee Aerospace engineering program excepted here
Organizing & Decorations
Pots/Pans: meal plan
Strainer/Colander: you don’t even know what this is, just do the meal plan
Pot Holder: This is a towel, it doesn’t matter, just order pizza
Measuring Cup: You’re going to go years without measuring anything, just get pizza
Cooking Utensils: More sharp things to hurt yourself with, again, there’s some one awake 24 hours a day ready to ship 3,000 hot and steaming calories directly to your door for less money than it takes to
Small Containers w/ Lids: you mean a personal pan pizza box?
Can Opener: You already have scissors, pass.
Dishes (cups, mugs, bowls, plates): Get two mugs. Use them for everything. Tell people the plate/bowl/cup distinction is an arbitrary social construct and you’re just like OVER those labels, man. Only use one; the second is for your dead friends, and no one must use it.
Silverware: Don’t lie, you’re stealing these from the dining hall.
Cleaning Supplies: This means “moist towlettes” and if those cannot clean it request an immediate transfer to another dorm room.
Clothes (including “dressy” outfits): You will never need to dress up and all social rituals requiring “dressy” outfits are fingernails growing on the corpse of a long-dead society. Shorts and a hoodie are fine, and qualify as “dressy” at most Big Ten schools anyway. YOU’RE TOO LOFTY TO WORRY ABOUT THE COSMETIC, SCHOLAR.
Laundry Detergent: They told you water’s a universal solvent in chemistry class. You say I have to use soap? Well, Antoine Lavoisier says I don’t.
Fabric Softener: No one actually knows what fabric softener is, or what it does, and no one has every been brave enough to ask this question of Big Fabric Softener.
Laundry Basket or Bag: Arms are fine, and dropping laundry is a great way to meet strangers.
Umbrella: Not needed. Walk in the rain and save the environment one cycle of a washing machine instead.
Bike & Bike Helmet: Take both immediately to your local bike thief with a smile and a song in your heart.
Ethernet Cable: Glad to see you’re going to be a great member of the class of 2002, enjoy all the Blink 182 you can.
Printer w/USB cable: Skip; you will never ever ever spend the money on replacement ink and whatever printer paper you buy will immediately get used mopping up Easy Mac spills.
14-gauge Extension Cord (10 ft. max): Don’t buy a new one. Your parents have an extra they’re not using. It’s right next to the bottled water they keep around in case the power goes out, even though every blackout is just an excuse for them to drink all the white wine in the fridge.
Power Strip (w/multi-plug adapter and circuit breaker): You’ll end up buying the cheapest one, the one that weirdly has a surge...enhancer? Whatever, it’s eight bucks.
Alarm Clock: That’s your phone.
Flashlight: That’s your phone.
Camera: Again, that’s your phone.
Television: That’s your computer, or again, your phone.
Small Refrigerator: That’s your phone, order food every meal and you never get rats! (NOTE: you might get rats.)
Microwave (under 1500 watts) That’s your phone.
Desk Lamp (non halogen) That’s another phone.
Towels and Washcloths: This is funny, there’s a plural -s on the end of both words here
Hand Towels: Your hands don’t need special custom towels you soft-ass millennials, your hands aren’t special, GTFO with your “needs” and body part specific towels.
Toiletries: Steal from your roommate.
Shower Tote or Bucket: A bucket is actually a good idea for basic sanitation.
Shower Shoes: This should just be “shoes” because you’re not going to wear socks for a year at least in Florida and shoes you can’t get wet are pointless, the entire state’s a giant panting dog’s mouth and you’re going to be living in the middle of it. It may be different for women, but if you go barefoot in the communal shower for more than four men you will either lose your feet to a bacterial infection and/or become a blind telepathic immortal.
Robe: Sure, Lebowski, try it. Wear a robe for longer than four minutes in Florida and you will burst into flame.
Comforter/Blanket: nah, it’s hot
Mattress Pad: no clue
Extra Long Twin Sheets*: balled up on the mattress and half-slept on
Pillow(s): okay these are nice and you should bring one
NOTE: Mattresses are 80″ long x 36″ wide x 7″ thick in all halls except Springs Residential Complex. (Springs Mattresses are 80″ long x 39″ wide x 7″ thick). Cypress Hall and some Keys buildings have XL full beds that are (54×80) 7 1/2″ thick.
You will probably just pass out on the floor, which is WIDE INCHES wide and LONG INCHES long. Either that, or you’ll be the hippie dipshit who brings a goddamn hammock and puts it up in his room. He’ll break his tailbone trying to have sex it in it and you should laugh at him for it.