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FAST 8 RECASTS ABRUPTLY

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READ THIS WITH THE UNDERSTANDING THAT I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANY OF THESE MOVIES AND I ONLY SKIMMED THE WIKIPEDIAS

Last week, news broke that there was tension amongst the star-studded cast of the action-drama Fast & Furious movie as they begin production on an eighth installment. In an Instagram post, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson obliquely referred to another member of the cast - widely interpreted to be franchise pillar Vin Diesel - as a "candy ass", reportedly due to the latter's absences and demands during filming.

Some thought the flap would blow over, and the needs of a tentpole movie series would win out over the conflicting egos of its boldface names. However, it is with a heavy heart that we at Every Day Should Be Saturday - experts every bit as connected to the movie industry as we are to college football - must report that this morning, producers removed Johnson from the film, leaving a defensive-tackle-sized hole in the cast with filming already underway.

Fortunately, the franchise has dealt with last-minute casting issues in the past, and they've sprung to action with a replacement. We take you now to filming, already in progress. [places finger on lips, reminding you to be quiet]

[SCENE: Inside the ductwork of the European Parliament, where Dom Toretto's team is attempting to steal a computer with the names of all the world's secret agents on it to keep their mysterious adversary from murdering Johnson's character, who was kidnapped in off-screen events]

DOM TORET-

[you know what I'm just gonna use the actor names it's easier]

VIN DIESEL: [whispering] we need to be very careful here, the Phantasm's agents are hot on our heels

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ: [aligning a laser] we've planned this heist to the second, we know what we have to do

TYRESE: the timelock will be down in six... five.. fo- [INTERRUPTED BY LOUD CLAPPING FROM FURTHER BACK IN THE DUCTWORK]

BRADY HOKE: ALRIGHT GUYS LET'S GET OUT THERE AND STEAL THAT MONKEY IDOL

DIESEL: SHHH you're going to get us all-

[the duct collapses through the ceiling and onto the floor of parliament]

INDETERMINATELY EUROPEAN HENCHMAN #1: Zut alors! ein Heist-Team und ihrem Onkel Frank!

VAGUELY MENACING, CUMBERBATCHIAN OFFICIAL: [narrows eyes] capture zem! I want zem dead!

[goons swarm]

VIN DIESEL: [grabs the computer from the hands of a Parliamentarian, who was distracted by his cigarette] I'll be taking this [takes time to put on sunglasses] ... for a ride.

[the team bursts out of the building's front doors and onto the streets of Brussels]

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ: [yanks driver out of Maserati, takes their place]

TYRESE: [clotheslines messenger off motorcycle, steals it]

PAUL WALKER: [straps on jetpack, flies away]

VIN DIESEL: okay we're going to need to circle back and talk about that one later [climbs into fighter jet that was parked in front of café, pulls keys out from above visor, straps in] come on, new guy, let's go

BRADY HOKE: [in the middle of placing an order at a waffle stand] do you have funfetti or goober grape- just - JUST A SECOND, GUYS

RODRIGUEZ, circling back: we have to go! we ride as a team!

HOKE: [mouth full of waffle] Rick Steves said this was a must-do!

TYRESE: [zips by, pulls him onto motorcycle just as those funny-sounding European police cars approach] COME ON

HOKE, voice fading: wait go back I dropped my Eurail pass!

[later, back at their safehouse or whatever]

RODRIGUEZ, angrily: We need to discuss what's going on with this team.

DIESEL: There are issues we need to fix.

TYRESE: Problems we've got to address.

HOKE: [nodding] Couldn't agree more, fellas, I was as disappointed as anyone with what happened out there today, and I want you to know, I'm as accountable as anyone when things don't work out. We win or lose as a team, and I'm not going to let you all take the fall if I haven't prepared you properly.

DIESEL: You erased the computer twenty minutes after we stole it trying to play "that Kate Upton battle game".

HOKE: [nodding] The little things that we need to do aren't being done. And, again, that starts here.

TYRESE: You spilled hot chocolate all over our escape plane's cockpit. You fried the controls. We had to ditch into the ocean.

HOKE: The only thing I can tell you is that we've got to keep working at it

RODRIGUEZ: You nearly drowned us all trying to meet a fish.

HOKE: We'd seen some things on the film, some adjustments we thought we could exploit, and-

RODRIGUEZ: You mean Finding Nemo. You were trying to find a clownfish. In the North Sea.

HOKE: I think this team can still win the championship. I really do.

DIESEL, exasperated: How did you even end up on our team? This doesn't make any sense.

HOKE: Well, I heard there was an opening on a flashy, big-budget team that a lot of people love and makes a lot of noise and excitement and money and people get really excited about in the summer but come winter it doesn't win anything

ALL: [angry silence]

HOKE: Just seemed natural.