ERASE THIS GAME: LSU 33, KENTUCKY 30

Being a responsible consumer of internet news, you’re certainly aware of Elliotte Friedman’s whoopsadoodle as CBC’s announcer for the 200 meter individual medley. Elliotte’s taking it pretty hard, though I know one man who can somewhat sympathize with him.

Here is a partial list of things that are fun to do while wearing a soaking wet polo shirt:

• Get off the log flume with your kids and go get a churro
• Have a golf course water balloon fight
• Punch your cousin for pushing you into the pool in the middle of your cookout

Not on that list:

• Watch as the hearts of your players and a stadium full of Kentucky fans get their hearts ripped out simultaneously

There’s a lot of pain to dissect here, but let’s start with this man

...who’s on the field and running alongside Devery Henderson as the game-winning touchdown is scored. To my knowledge, nobody has ever interviewed this man, a fact I hope we rectify soon. If you know him, please ask him to contact me. I have so many questions, and I promise to try and ask them respectfully. Chief among them: when he saw Henderson heading towards the end zone, did any part of him consider trying to make that tackle?

There’s this man in the jersey, who was pacing the sideline with his hand over his mouth as though he’d just watched from the porch as a tornado picked up his truck and threw it into his other truck. He’s nearly taken out by celebrating LSU players, which is like if the tornado came back and said HEY HOW CLOSE WERE YOU TO PAYING THAT OFF LOL. Excellent surrender cobra in the foreground as well.

There is this staff member, who’s coping with this loss by immediate throwing himself into work and picking up the end zone pylons. He’s managed to keep busy for 13 straight years following this game, tidying whatever he can just to avoid talking or thinking about what the fuck just happened.

Maybe the easiest group of fans to understand. You climbed these goalposts with the intention of destroying them in celebration. Now, you will destroy them to work your anger out on an inanimate object. The outcome of the last play has not changed your aim or purpose. Predestination is real, and you were born to hang on this goalpost. The why does not matter.

And then there’s dude in the tie, ready to make a beeline for Marcus Randall and talk all of the shit. He is the engineer for this rocket launch, reminding you penny pinching bureaucrats how you doubted his vision, insisted he couldn’t put a garbage truck into space, but there it is, soaring into the atmosphAW FUCK IT BLEW UP FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

You will notice there’s one group we haven’t touched here: Kentucky players. There are a few reasons for that. One, they played their absolute asses off. Jared Lorenzen threw four touchdowns; the rest of the SEC tallied six against LSU that season combined. Kentucky’s defense held LSU to 2 of 8 on third downs in the second half.

Two, contextually this game kind of didn’t matter! Give UK this win and they’re 8-4 instead of 7-5. Either way, they’re not going to a bowl game thanks to Hal Mumme Sanctions. (Hal Mumme: He’ll Be Halfway To Alberta Before You Catch Him.) Tag LSU with the loss and they’re at 6-3 entering the last four games of the season. This play didn’t save a season for the ages or anything.

Nick Saban eventually left LSU. Guy Morriss ended up coaching high school football in Kentucky. No one learned anything or prospered or benefitted from this, and instead only experienced an agony of near death or an agony of actual football death. Erase this game. Let the Kentucky joy that evaporated on this day find peace in the afterlife.