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HATIN' ASS SPURRIER SURVEYS THE FACILITIES AT FLORIDA

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Y'ALL SHOULD CALL IT THE SUN INSTEAD OF THE SWAMP, SINCE IT'S HOT, ORANGE, AND YOU CAN'T TOUCH DOWN

Marc Serota/Getty Images

Wooboys it's been a minute. Let's see what y'all got goin' on around the ol'--

FontChange

Well, that's a font. I guess it's okay if you're starting a lifestyle magazine for airboaters. Y'all couldn't get Comic Sans or Papyrus or something? Monster Energy take your first choice? Low Rider magazine hit you with an injunction? You pull that from the credits of a Turkish Game of Thrones knockoff?

That'll happen, I guess. It's a fine sign if you're trying to make The Swamp look like a used 2002 Dodge Ram with truck nuts. That's all I'm saying.

FloridaWeightRoom

Oh, y'all got an L.A. Fitness on campus? That's cool. Y'all just show me the weight room later. You seen Alabama's? I didn't think that state got that kind of money. Probably a few rockets up in Huntsville missing bolts, is what I'm guessin'. I'd fly charter to Mars if I were you.

Wait, I've never seen these before.

You say I was here when you unveiled them? Well, I said that about last year at Carolina, too, but who remembers that? Not me. Not you, probably.

But I got questions.

Looks like y'all bronzed some play-doh?

You melt down some trim off a few rental car Impalas and give it to the art department? I'm sorry, that's not kind to the art department.

This looks like a project Urban Meyer started, but that you let Steve Addazio finish.

Gonna call this arrangement Nirvana, since it's three white men worshipped by those who peaked in the 90s.

Wait, I get it, it's the Father, the Son, and the Holy Inverted Veer-It.

SpurrierStatue

Well at least you didn't show Tebow throwing the ball.

Wait a second. Just wait.

SpurrierZoom1

Wait just a goddamn--

SpurrierPantsZoom2

I didn't win a Heisman and then come back to this godforsaken moss-stink sand flea pit and win championships just to have y'all turn me into a man who couldn't stress-test a set of Y-front lace-up football pants. You tell them to come down here right now and tote this Ken Doll off. Y'all want dickless statues? Go get Ray Goff. He ain't busy.

Lyin' on the ground without the ball. Yup, y'all captured John Brantley's likeness perfectly.