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TO THOSE DEMANDING THE REINSTALLATION OF JOE PATERNO'S STATUE

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FROM OTHER FAMOUS PENNSYLVANIA STATUES

Rich Barnes-USA TODAY Sports

STATUE OF THORFINN KARLSEFNI:

Soldiers of Nittany! None can doubt your devotion to your fallen leader. Four plantings after Joe of Pa faced every warrior's ultimate foe, you ignore other duties that some may say are a better use of your sweat and bravely stand against those who would question his heroi-oh goddammit, IT'S GOING TO BE NINETY-TWO TODAY AND I AM WEARING FUCKING CHAIN MAIL.

STATUE OF ROBERT MORRIS:

Don't you start with that shit, Thorfinn. You're not the one in long sleeves. I swear, people think having a statue made to honor you after your death is so fucking wonderful. What's so wonderful about being exposed to all of the weather all of the time forever? Where's the pride in being the backdrop to some European tourist's photo who thinks I'm Ben Franklin? Do you want to talk about the birds, and by birds I mean chirping factories of uric acid?

THORFINN KARLSEFNI: And it's not like this does dick to enhance or spread my legacy. I'm stuck here, unable to respond to every dipshit parent who tells their kids "that's right, the Vikings came to Philadelphia but Daunte Culpepper was an overrated loser GO EAGLES." I never even stepped foot in this city, much less this state. What the hell am I even doing here?

ROBERT MORRIS: Legacy? Buddy, Congress had to pass its first-ever bankruptcy act to get me out of debtor's prison. Sure, I was a member of the Continental Congress. I signed the Declaration of Independence. I would have been the first Treasury Secretary had I not declined and recommended Alexander Hamilton.

THORFINN KARLSEFNI: I am not throwing away my...shot! I am not throwi-

ROBERT MORRIS: SHUT THE FUCK UP I AM HAMILTON'D UP TO MY GODDAMNED EYEBALLS BY NOW. I MET HIM AND I KNOW FOR A FACT HE CLAPPED ON THE 1 AND 3. But my point is, I was fine settling into death and being remembered fondly by family and friends. Now? This statue means people can just whip out an iPhone and learn that I'm the dude who went so broke Congress had to legislate me out of a cell.

THORFINN KARLSEFNI: It's true. Statues don't magically eliminate any controversy over a man's life or wash away his mistakes and misdeeds. Nobody looks at a bust of Jefferson and thinks "wow, what a handsome man, he definitely only fought for freedom and liberty for all peoples!"

ROBERT MORRIS: And do we really think if this statue goes up it won't just be repeatedly vandalized in some seriously uncomfortable ways when a particularly rowdy fanbase comes to town?

THORFINN KARLSEFNI: Ohio State kids are going to do something unspeakable to that statue, and they will Instagram it. This statue thing is not as important or wonderful as you think it is. And if you won't listen to us, maybe you'll listen to him.

STATUE OF MISTER ROGERS:

OH GOD MY FACE MY SKIN WHAT DID THEY DO TO ME WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY