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Matthew O'Haren-USA TODAY Sports

Penn State is going to play football this year, and that's fine.

Oh God. Oh God oh God oh God.

This season features a team with a new quarterback, two new coordinators, and a large contingent of fans who have staked out positions where they need the team to be bad so they can pound their chests about being right.

So, replacing both coordinators. That's bad. I mean, replacing offensive coordinator John Donovan was good, since the offense made football look like the most difficult thing in the world. But replacing defensive coordinator Bob Shoop is bad, because he's really good at coaching football. Either way, this is not exactly the stability you look for when a coach is hitting year three like James Franklin is this year. Ha ha ha everything is fine.

James Franklin! He's fine. It's not that I take specific issue with a coach having clock management issues. Every coach has some kind of monumental screw up on a monthly basis, so the chances of getting a coach who always manages the clock correctly is pretty much zero. It's that Franklin's episodes of poor clock management are mind-bending odysseys that defy rational explanation. They also happen all the damn time, and it makes me want to throw my laptop into the river.

Christian Hackenberg is gone! That's good, I think! I still think the kid is really talented, but running for his life and getting smashed regularly rendered him broken. Hey remember when Temple rushed two and immediately got pressure and a sack against a five man offensive line and an extra blocker?


O, Lovecraftian horror.

It's probably for the best that Hackenberg's not there anymore, even if whoever is next isn't as talented. Did his purportedly sour relationship with James Franklin contribute to his poor play? I'm sure there's multiple 100+ page message board threads that contains the answer, so I'll be right back.

Ha ha just kidding, I didn't read a Penn State message board, I just stuck my head in the oven for a couple minutes instead.

Whoever wins the QB job should be in... good shape? Saquon Barkley is excellent, the receivers are pretty good, and the offensive line that has been so thin, young, and mostly atrocious is now pretty experienced. That doesn't mean they'll be great, but they should be better, right? ...Right? Shit. The defense should be good, but they have to replace their top three lineman and a combined 26 sacks and 45.5 tackles for a loss. Whatever, just read Bill's preview.

There's a three week stretch in September where Penn State plays at Pitt, Temple, and at Michigan. I have no illusions that they'll beat Michigan, but things are going to get real ugly if they don't beat both Pitt and Temple. I generally endorse the idea of avoiding the Penn State corner of the internet if you can avoid it, but losing to both of those teams would mean I would need a hazmat suit just to open my computer.

I can handle rooting for a bad team. I almost exclusively root for shitty teams, anyway. But making the internet a slightly more tolerable place is something I have an enormous stake in, and I need them to not screw this up.

Oh God.