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ALL THE GODDAMN THINGS THAT ARE GONNA HAPPEN THAT WE'LL HATE

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EVERY ONE OF THESE MADE US SO MAD JUST THINKING ABOUT IT OH GOD WHY ARE WE GOING TO DO THIS ALL OVER AGAIN

Shanna Lockwood-USA TODAY Sports

1. You'll run an option to the short side of the field.

2. You'll punt from the opponent's side of the fifty.

3. You'll run a fade in the endzone.

4. You won't run a fade in the endzone.

5. You'll forget that you have a player who's literally better than everyone on the field because you think you need something like balance or some other theoretical shit.

6. You won't stop throwing it to that one guy and forget the entire concept of balance.

7. You won't bench your goddamn senior safety who could not cover a merkin-sized piece of turf simply because he's a senior.

8. You'll start a freshman at safety who bites on every play-fake like a pitbull lunging at every toddler on the playground.

9. You'll call a prevent defense, ever.

10. You think field goals are worth shit, ever.

11. You'll keep starting that guard who's just a fat but earnest turnstile. Jesus, that guy.

12. You'll try to ice a kicker.

13. You won't try to ice a kicker.

14. You'll have no idea when to call a timeout.

15. You'll completely lose track of the clock and run your four minute offense with less than two minutes on the clock.

16. You'll keep running the ball pointlessly on first down.

17. You'll never call a wheel route even though the wheel route is perfect, always open, and is the greatest invention in the history of western or any other civilization.

18.  You'll spend one half running roughshod over a team and then one half "managing" that lead.

19. You'll attempt to score when already up by three TDs and let the other team back into the game by throwing interceptions

20. You'll punt, ever.

21. You'll never try an onside kick.

22. You'll get us excited that you're going for it on fourth and short, but then you'll just have the QB shout a hard count for twenty seconds before taking the delay of game because nobody ever falls for that shit.

23. You'll fall for that shit and jump offsides.

24. You'll take a knee with decent field position, timeouts remaining, and a minute left in the first half because you live in constant, crippling fear of a pick six.

25. You'll do the same thing at the end of the second half when it's tied because overtime's totally safe, right?

26. You'll ruin an awesome kick/punt return by getting called for a block in the back on the other side of the field and fifteen yards behind where the play's actually happening.

27. You'll call creative plays until you get inside the other team's thirty and then pivot to conservative nothingness.

28. You'll run a speed option with a quarterback whose forty time can only be expressed using scientific notation.

29. You'll become so uncontrollably angry with a ref's call that you'll get a 15 yard penalty and screw your own team in the process.

30. You'll call an empty backfield, yet have your quarterback line up under center.

31. You'll refuse to give the obviously unstoppable running back in favor of the one who only misses 60% of his blitz pickups as opposed to 65% of them.

32. You'll try to run the ball to "show some attitude" when they have a corner on crutches on the field and a freshman safety.