JIMBO FISHER’S FOOTBALL GREETING CARDS

You know why football pants don’t have pockets? So you can’t reach in and pull out an excuse when things don’t go well.

Okay so here’s the thing about Jimbo Fisher. There are two things about him that are funny. The first is his voice, which speaks rapidly at all times, and then sometimes very rapidly when he gets excited about some bit of football minutiae. The second is his reliance on coachspeak with a certain country lean.

(Let this be a lesson, btw: Nick Saban and Jimbo Fisher both come from West Virginia, but it’s Jimbo who sounds like he’s seconds from disappearing into the woods for buck week while Nick has relatively little in the way of a twang. Our only explanation is that Jimbo chooses to call himself Jimbo, and it’s impossible to not have an accent with a name like that.)

Anyway, the idea is to make up painful cliches Jimbo might really say. For the record, we can’t actually be sure that Jimbo Fisher hasn’t said these, or that any other coach isn’t saying these at this exact moment, or that Houston Nutt isn’t declaiming these into the mirror at CBS Sports as we speak. (Houston Nutt is definitely saying these into a mirror in the studios of CBS Sports as we speak.)

What we can assure you is that the EDSBS staff hopes you cringe when you read these, both now AND when you read them in the Cracker Barrel inspirational book full of them we’re compiling right now. Put it between the sarsparilla hard candies and knockoff Coldwater Creek blouses and it’ll sell MILLIONS, we tell you.

I like to tell people: we’re looking for the right kind of melon. Be a honeyDO, not a CANTaloupe.

If you got a choice between opening your mouth or shittin’ your pants, take the latter. You can only make a mess once doing that. There’s no limit to what your mouth can mess up.

I tell our kids all the time. If I wanted whine I’d a walked out here with a plate of cheese.

High pressure means clear skies, boys. Let’s get our barometers up.

You’re playing like a cornfield today. Nothing between the ears.

They’ll tell you the early bird gets the worm, but that don’t affect the worms that ain’t afraid to stay in the dirt.

Receivers, today’s Pokemon day. I need y’all catching them all.

You gotta show up early and ready to go on offense. If you want first downs, you can’t be last up.

Victory requires more than you think you’re capable of. That’s why win starts with a double you.

Our guys are great on defense and terrible at Battleship, because they know the misses are more damaging than the hits.

Once that ball’s snapped, all that should matter to you are the other ten men working with you on the field. There’s a reason it’s called Miss Communication.

Ain’t a coincidence that “sweat” and “sweet” are close to each other in the dictionary.

Y’all when it comes to work, don’t watch the clock. Just do it. It’s about “win” not “when.”

Startin’ today, we’re callin’ it the beginning zone.