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Notre Dame unveiled a new set of uniforms on Thursday, which is fine. I'm not one of those people that gets upset about football teams putting on different clothes than usual, so my distaste for these uniforms isn't coming from a place of buttoned up conservatism.

No, I don't like these uniforms because they look like hell.


1. The green stripe on the helmets doesn't match the green on the jerseys. Neither green is any good. In fact, none of the colors on this uniform are good. Everything is actually pretty bad. Maybe Under Armour should name these colors "current events".

Thanks. Thank you.

If you don't know what is going on with the design on the helmet:

That's cool, I suppose. It will still look like a weird blurry smudge on TV, though.

2. "Authentic Irish Pub" in suburban upstate New York lookin' ass font. Guy who has never left his hometown but never shuts up about how Irish he is ass font. This font is so dumb, if you let your eyes lose focus, the letters automatically rearrange into "You know, the Guinness they have in Ireland is different and much better than here in the US."

3. They're that same green as those cargo pants you got for Christmas in 2001 that never looked good with a single other thread of clothing you owned. It was the early 2000s, though, so that didn't matter. Put on an article of clothing this color, and you instantly are wearing a t-shirt tucked into khakis with no belt.

4. The gold on the pants, jersey, and helmet are all different colors. I understand the issue of pairing a metallic finish with cloth, but the jersey and pants don't even match up.

These uniforms don't even have the decency to be a daring brand of ugly. Like, remember those Notre Dame uniforms that had helmets that were like, two-thirds gold and only a little blue? Those were trash too, but they were interesting trash! These are uniforms likely born of someone's supervisor telling them Just Don't Screw It Up, which they promptly did anyway. These uniforms are deeply boring, which is actually pretty appropriate for Notre Dame. Carry on, then.