The ACC Network is another slice of television lunchmeat ESPN will giddily attempt to slam into your already overstuffed cable television sandwich. That television sandwich started as a simple banh mi, and now resembles the worst sandwich nightmares found at minor league baseball stadiums. It’s a Reuben, but now with the ACC Network, deep fried bacon, fries, an ice-cold large coke baked into the bread itself, AND TLC TWO: NOW WITH MORE LITTLE PEOPLE AND CAKES.
The deeply frustrating part is being unable to buy the Coke or fries separately, or that this really isn’t a sandwich anymore? It’s definitely not a sandwich, not when the categories for what is and isn’t a cable channel don’t even matter. ESPN will get it on your TV, so you might as well stop debating the finer points of what is and isn’t a sandwich.
So let’s make it our own. Take the ACC Network, which you might end up paying for anyway as a sports fan, and add whatever the hell you want.
LUNCH SEARCH PARTY: Teams of two are dropped off at a randomly selected highway exit between Georgia and Pennsylvania and have to find the nearest Bojangles as quickly as possible.
MATLOCK. We’ve been asking for years. If cable television is really just a collective repository for things people will watch on loops forever even if it’s not new, then nothing screams that better than Matlock. Old people love it because the young are evil, and the old are smart and cunning. Young people love it because it’s on, and they can laugh at people having to use phones with cords. Middle-aged men love it because it shows a single man living alone who has money, no problems, and eats hot dogs all day long with no ill effects on his health. Put it on: it’s easier than working and making something new, ACC. (Also, sure, Andy Griffith went to UNC, but we didn’t expect you to know that by doing homework. Especially you, UNC fans. Not a strong suit, we hear.)
CONNIE BRITTON’S AMERICA: The beloved actress travels to a different small town every week, learning about each place’s history and culture as a ruse to provide them grow lamps and demand seventy percent of their profits. (Separate webisodes detail what happens to those who think this is an unfairly high cut. Connie’s not just a contact hitter with that bottle of Sauvignon Blanc.)
IRON EAGLE: It’s a movie about a teen who gets into the Air Force Academy because he steals an F-16 and attacks a foreign country. Not “in spite of” doing those things. Because of those choices. Air this every morning at 6 AM and productivity amongst your subscribers will triple.
MIKE FELDER’S GARDEN SHOW. We just want In The Bleachers to get on Facebook Live for thirty minutes a day and talk about gardening and life tips. It’s not much to ask, especially when someone once gave Joe Buck his own show, and Joe Buck never donned a garbage can and catcher’s mask to fight birds outside his house. Michael Felder did, and that seems like more than enough to give him a show where he ends every show by talking about how he’s gonna get some beers in his body and feel strong.
FIREFLY. Fuck it, just show the same 14 episodes on over and over again. Nerds will watch them. You’ll call people nerds for watching them. You’ll watch them and notice that maybe Mal has a kind of genuine heartbreak to him, big ol’ nerd show character he is. And that he has a really complex and rich platonic relationship with a woman who’s a woman, and not just a dude written to be a woman? And hey, this is a Western in space! They’re stealing trains and stuff, and that’s pretty fun. There’s even a mysterious priest who can kick ass effortlessly! And you’re watching “The Message” and crying uncontrollably for no reason at 3 p.m. on a Tuesday! Again? You’ll cry, and you’ll never get anything good or new out of the show after one hot year. The same could be said for Wake Forest, and they’re still on the network too, right?
MEN SMOKING AND COMPLAINING ABOUT OBAMA IN FISHING SHIRTS. Need something for Florida State fans, so here you go, that’s definitely something about Florida State fans. (It’s just a webcam, but that resolution looks better on a flip phone anyway.)
AW SHUCKS TO THE TUX. Say Yes To The Dress spinoff that follows groomsmen who go get their wedding party attire on the last possible day and are forced to accept pants that are two inches too big in the waist and an inch short in the inseam. There’s almost always a hideously-colored vest that goes with it, which they will lose at the reception.
DO THESE JEANS FIT? A companion show about those same men buying jeans at Belk. Spoiler: They do not fit, ever, and you’ll just have to deal with that and how you’re Michael Jordan now. Category: horror, misandry.
THE WEST WING. For Miami, since both were at their peak in 2001, and because like The West Wing Miami football couldn’t have gotten to that peak there with the help of a tremendous amount of cocaine. There’s an entire plot line where the President lies but it’s cool because he has nice hair and seems charming, and yup you’re right isn’t Butch Davis.
MANIMAL. Just: Manimal, because we don’t need a reason and neither does the ACC Network.